I Have Road Rage Issues

*long pause* Okay so I know I haven't blogged in a very long time and I'm sorry for that life was kind of kicking my ass. But at the moment I feel I need to get back into it so I can get some of the stuff I've been thinking off of my chest. A sort of cleansing if you will. NOW I also want to say, HOW THE FUCK DO I HAVE 25 FOLLOWERS?!??! When I blogged last I had like, 15! Could it be that my awesome was flowing even whilst I was away? YESSSS It must be.

Anyway, I was on my way to work today and realized something that I'm sure my son and the boyfriend have known for years. I have Road Rage, bad. I cannot simply get in my car and drive to and from where I need to be without at some point yelling "OMFG YOU ASSHOLE GET OUT OF THE WAYYYYYY!" Seriously it's like I have tourettes syndrome when I get behind the wheel and it doesn't just happen when I drive, oh no, it can also be when you drive with me in the car.

Now in case nobody that follows my blog or doesn't follow just reads cause you're a bunch of creepers and don't want me to know who you are, lives in Florida you may not understand the way people in Florida drive. In Florida is it perfectly fine to drive in the fast lane (yes there IS a fast lane) and not only NOT do the speed limit (or 20 miles over like I do) and talk on your phone. It is okay to do that here and for some reason when people in FL talk on their cell and drive, their foot comes off of the gas and just kind of hovers there so they aren't really driving so much as gliding, slowly, in the fast lane, GET OUT OF THE WAY ASSHOLE!

Also, here if there is an accident or even just someone who is polite enough to pull off to the side of the highway to talk on their phone so as not to cause a traffic slow down, you MUST, and I say it in caps MUST slow down as you pass them and look into their car just to make sure they are okay even though you have no intention of helping them say, if they were having a heart attack or something. No no, you simply slow down, look and then continue on your way, thus leaving a trail of 300 cars behind you as you do 35 in a 65.

Oh and you must always, always remember that if the light is yellow you stop, not slow, no no, STOP. So that the person behind you (Me) can now stop as well and sit in the car pounding the steering wheel screaming WHY DIDN'T YOU GO?!?!?!?! WHYYYYYYY??!?!?! Because I do that, I admit it and then I almost feel sad that you could have gone and you didn't thus making me wait as well.

Road Rage is a serious disease and I have a case of it, I am okay with that. But please be aware drivers on the road with me there are two things you should always remember. A) It is by the grace of God that I am not able to carry a gun in the car and 2) When I give you the death stare I am really truly in my head wishing that awful terrible things will happen to you :)

That's all for now, here's hoping I can get my head out of my ass long enough to keep blogging.

PS Yes I said A) and 2) Because that's funny to me and well, it's my blog and I say what's funny here

My son is Bi-LING-Gual

Sooooo I feel as if I should say sorry or something for the fact that I haven't blogged since July of '10 and while common courtesy would ask, ney DEMAND I do so, I say fuck you common courtesy and leave it at that.

AnyIwasinprison---

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned that I have a son, he's three, SUPER cute (he's mine I mean duh) SMART (I like putting words I feel are important in CAPS because well I need you too see them and fully understand that I'm making a retarded face while saying them for emphasis)

Yea so my son is smart as hell and he's chatty and he also happens to be half Irish *me* and half Puerto Rican *His dad* Now this is fuckin awesome cause I mean, helloooo all kinda scholarships for being a minority woot woot! Well half but it still counts.

Now because his dad speaks Spanish well Spanglish, he's from NY, my son has, being the brilliant child he is, picked up a few words here and there. That coupled with the fact that he watches Dora and Diego *Creepy lil rounded headed bastards* he's getting pretty good with the whole es-pan-ol! Great right? Riiiight.

The other day we go to the store and my son, my beautiful cherub of a child says loud as hell

"Mama look at my bolas!"

If you don't know what bolas are, you should really learn to sound and blend but in Spanish, at least Nuyorican Spanish, Bolas is a way of saying balls. Now I don't have any idea why at that moment my son felt it imperative that I look at his balls, maybe it was the store itself. I mean I know Wal Mart makes me want to look at balls and vaginas but that's me *lmfao @ the word vaginas*

I laughed, hard and loud and for a few minutes and all the while, the people around me gave me the stank eye because well, everyone in Florida speaks Spanish. They looked at me as if to say, wtf? And I laughed more because of that and then I was like high five! And my son and I high fived.

I like that my son speaks Spanish and screw it I even like the fact that he knows a few of the curse words because Kids+Swear Words= Good times.

No excuse me while I teach him some words in Gaelic!

Suck it Trebek!

Yea my title has abso-freakin-LUTLEY nothin to do with my post but wtf ever it's hilarious and it makes me think of the guy on SNL that does Sean Connery and that right there is hilarious...

So Boyfriend and I are in the car the other day, on our way to a shopping centre(I said it all fancy and shit ya like that? Wtf is a centre anyway? Why is it so much better then a CENTER? WHY?)
So we're drivin and I'm like

Me: Dude why do you drive like an old lady
BF: What? I don't drive like an old lady.
ME: OMG GET IN YOUR LANE!
BF: WHAT?!
Me: Sheesh you know there are two lanes here right?
BF: *Cold side eye stare*
Me: Right? You know that? Two lanes, one two, uno dos? One for you one for the other people driving?
BF: *really cold side eye stare, slight lip curl*
Me: Do you want me to drive?

Apparently, askin a guy if he wants you to drive is kinda like sayin, "hey, want me to hold those balls for ya? Doesn't look like you need 'em"
So he's like why would I need you to drive? And I'm like cause you're all swervy and shit I thought maybe you were tired, or drunk or high on the ludes and he's like, wtf are you talkin about? Just let me drive. Can't we go ANYWHERE without you tellin me how to drive? I swear I think your head would explode if you went just ONE day without talkin shit on my driving. Now the whole time he's sayin this, I'm sayin stuff like.
Stop swerving!
TWO LANES!
OMG I drive way better then you!
Hey look Rita's Italian ices!

So this mornin we're in the car and he's droppin me off to work and I'm like, totally gonna prove his whole, exploding head if I don't talk shit theory wrong right? So he starts swervin an stuff (He says he doesn't I say he does) and the convo goes like this

BF: I mean it's like five bucks for a coffee *swerve*
Me: *deafening silence*
BF: Who pays that much for a cup of coffee.
Me: Sound of teeth clenching, light sweat forming on brow*
BF: What's the matter? *swerve, take up both lanes, swerve
Me: You know there are... *stops, clenches teeth, wipes brow, frowns, covers mouth in effort to stay quiet*
BF: What? There are what? *looks triumphant, raises eye brow*
Me: Nothin, huh? I didn't say anything *Nostrils flare, clench hands, Lamaze breathing.
BF: There are what? Two lanes? Hmm? is that what you were gonna say hmm? Two? One TWO? Uno, Dos *Looks pleased, snickers.
Me: OMG TWO LANES TWO LANES PICK ONE!!! *pants heavily*
BF: Yeaaaaaaaaa.

I fail at holding back and he fails at staying in his own lane, guess that's what makes us good together ya know? All about knowin what works.

Dear tooth, you're an asshole...

*twirls into blog* Helllllllllloooo blogggggggy friends!

Whew, FYI, chubby chicks and twirling? NOT a good thing.

Anyway, hello out there in blog land. I haven't been on in a good long while cause I was busy and stuff with pressing matters, like facebooking and spending time at Wal Mart and telling my son that a monster lives in our closet and it will bite him in the ass if he doesn't stop talking while mommy is watching the The Next Food Network Star, ya know, the IMPORTANT stuff (FYI my son totally believes me hilarious right?) So I checked my email the other day and I had a new email from Blog Spot tellin me that a really nice lady name Sherri (sorry I totally say your name in my head with a French Accent) tellin me that she was followin my blog. It got me thinkin, wtf is she talkin about? And then I was like Holy fuck stick I have a blog! So I came on over and decided to type a lil sum sum for everyone out there (After I read Becky over at Steam Me Up Kid and Ed over at Ed's Funny Pages and the rest of the funny mofo's I follow ( I miss their blogs, in a really creepy stalker sorta way)

So I decided to fill everyone in on what I've been up to as of late. Oh a quick FYI, I'm also being followed my real life, honest to goodness bff FOREVER Anna, she's super awesome (she's friends with me need I say more) And she's the only one I know that can tell a closeted gay guy on a train in NY that his closet door is hangin open (PRICELESS!) Anyway, she's in a few of my blogs so if you think bad thoughts bout me, you think 'em about her too HAHA! Devious!

So yea, I had a WICKED tooth ache this past weekend. Now, let me start this off my saying I HATE, HATE the dentist. I don't like their drills (Sounds sexual right?) I don't like the stupid fuckin happy faced teeth statues they all seem to have around their offices and I especially don't like the broads that come in first, like they wanna make sure you don't have any weapons on ya before the actual "doctor" comes in right? I digress. I don't like em so I don't go to em. I brush and floss and pray that my dental genetics don't banish me to the toothless realm and so far so good (sans a few backies (thats what I call the teeth wayyyy in the back, serious stuff) Anyteethfallinouttamyhead, I got the pains on Thursday and having become quite the AT home dentist, I knew right away what it was, so I got on the horn with boyfriends sister and asked her to get me some antibiotics (Which she did) So I start poppin em, thinkin, yea fuck your LIFE tooth I beat your ass.
Yea I was wrong. That little bastard came at me with pain the likes of which I have never know before and dude I had a baby AND a bad gall bladder. So basically I was a drooly mess and I totally used it as an excuse to lay on the couch the whole weekend and watch reality tv and cry in between episodes of Keeping up with the Kardashians (What a bunch of mutts those bitches are right?)
The final day of tooth terror was Sunday (Of course right before I went back to work ya know) And as I sat in the bathroom, tearing up and wiggling the back tooth for dear life, I had a conversation with said tooth.
Me~ Dude, wtf? W-T-F?
Tooth~ What? Stop eatin so much candy and shit fat ass, not my fault
Me~ I brush you all the time you bastard
Tooth~ So?
Me~ SO??!?! I have done everything I CAN for you and THIS is how you repay me *Points @ swollen face and cheek area*
Tooth~ Well, go to a dentist
Me~NEVER!
Tooth~ Fuck ya then
Me~ *tear* okay tomorrow first thing, I'll call the dentist

~The next day:

Me~ Ohh toooooth
Tooth~ What?
Me~ I feel alllll better, thanks to my at home diagnosis and antibiotics
Tooth~ So? Call the dentist
Me~ NEVER! SUCK IT!

Yea, that was pretty awesome how I came back at my tooth like that right? *self high five*

Anyway, that's all, I'll be back, maybe, at some point *skulks outta blog*

That shit doesn't happen in real life

I'm back, know you missed me blah blah blah..

Moving on

So the other day I was watching the cuts for some movie staring Miley Cyrus, ya know, the toddler that is the spawn of the dude that sang the song "Achey Breaky Heart"? Yea, the one with the mullet. No, SHE doesn't have a mullet, he does. Anyway, so I was watching the cuts for her new movie and in the one part they show her layin on the beach with her love interest adorning her with shells and shit right? So for like a second I was like, ahh that's kinda sweet and romantic. And then the reality set in that, ya know, that shit doesn't happen in real life. I mean, she's layin on the beach in the middle of the day and her and this dude are the only two people there? WTF beach are THEY at? Everytime I have ever gone to the beach there have been like four billion other people there, most of whom shouldn't EVER come in contact with a) speedos or b) two piece bathing suits. I digress. So besides that, there's the whole layin on the beach and gettin lovey dovey. Have any of you ever tried to get busy on the beach? If not, well, I have and lemme tell ya, that shit is not sexy. First you start to get all damp and shit cause well, it's the fuckin beach. Then, you get this weird salty flavor in your mouth cause well, it's the fuckin beach. THEN, if that's not enough to make the sexy times not seem so sexy, you get sand everywhere. In your pants, your shirt, your hair,the crack o yer ass, shit I got sand in my eye and had to stop kissing to be like OWE MY EYE MY EYE GET OFF ME!
Tell me how sexy THAT is?

Anywhothefuckcares, my point is, these bastards in Hollywood try and make shit seem sooooo realistic but I mean, c'mon, really? And I know I know, movies are supposed to be an escape and it's not meant to be real blahhhh blah blah right? But then why even bother? I mean, that's like showin a starvin guy a big ass steak on tv and bein like, just look at it, it's not meant to be real, it's your escape. No, see that doesn't work for me. If I go see a love story, I want that shit to be somewhat realistic. I wanna be like, yea that could totally happen, when I leave the theater. I want a movie, just once where the dude meets the girl in a bar (Cause you fuckers know it happens) and is like all drunk and shit tellin her how sexy she is. And the girl in turn, bein all sloppy drunk as well is like I love him!

Ya know, real life. Now, don't get me wrong. I know that other genres (totally had to spell check this word, fail....)are MEANT to be fantasy. Like Harry Potter (love this movie) I know that Harry and his wonderful school Hogwarts are meant to be fantasy, that I'm not gonna go to get on a train and run THROUGH a brick wall. No my bloggy buddies, I know that my ass would try and run INTO the wall. So I can accept this and like it despite the fact that I KNOW it will never happen.

But love stories, I can't, I can't watch shit like Titanic and be all lovey dovey cause I mean, wtf?!?! Who gives a fuck about some dude you met and got busy with on a ship that fuckin sank? Bitch be grateful your ass didn't drown too right? Or how bout the movie the Notebook? Makin out in the rain and shit, right, cause nothin is sexier then bein soakin wet, hair plastered to your face while some dude holds you up makin dramatic fuck me faces right?

I know, I know. I'm totally handing in my girly card as soon as I hit publish on this bitch but whatever, at least I won't have to watch any more foofy movies about love so I'm okay with it.

PS. Am I the only one that wants to kick Miley Cyrus right in the face?

Your mom, why yes, yes I am

So last night I was tryina watch the Disney movie UP that I had put on my list over there at the Netflix for my son (and by son I mean myself) Now as I tried to relax after a long day of checkin my Facebook page, reading The Pioneer Woman and cutting the heads off Maxim models and putting my head on their bodies, I realized I had watched the first twenty or so minutes of the movie with a toddler ass in my face.

Let me explain

My son, will inevitably find that the other square footage in the living room is unsuitable for his random throwing of toys and noise making. So much so that the only place acceptable is directly in my line of vision. I realized this only because the boyfriend said...
"Little person, get outta mommy's way, she can't see.."

And my son was like

"Tiger rawr daddy tiger bite me owe..."

So the boyfriend says, "How can you watch tv like that? Why not just tell him to move?"

It was then that I realized I hadn't even noticed him standing in the way, blocking half of the tv screen.

As I lay in bed that night (Yeaaa sexy time visions right? Eh, eh right?) I started to think of all the other things that I do now or don't notice now that PRE little person, woulda driven me nuts or at the very least made me retch. Would you like to know what else? Sure you do...

Vomit~ This is one of my favorites because as I have mentioned before, someone having a case of the voms in my general area is enough to make me run screaming and hyperventilating from the room. But for some reason when my son does it, I don't want to scream or run until AFTER I know he's okay. After I am sure he's okay is when I get the sicky feeling and fight the urge to throw up, weird right?

Poop~ Now I've never been one to discuss poopin or anything poop related but this is another area that I don't think I woulda been as OKAY with as I am now that I have a spawn. My son decided the other day that his diaper was too "constricting" as it were so he ripped it off with gusto and pretty much slam dunked it onto the kitchen floor all proud and shit ya know. So I'm like wtf? And as I reached down to grab it, I see brown on my hand and I'm all, when did I make brownies? Yea, it wasn't chocolaty goodness, it was shit, on my hand, and my arm, and somehow mysteriously on my elbow. Now granted I was like EWE! But then after given my son the hairy eye and washing my arm off I was business as usual. When did THAT happen hmm? When did getting someone else's shit on my arm become a whatever moment?

Ninja Sex~ Now not to get to personal but this is a blog and I'm gonna share cause sharing is caring fuckers....
The boyfriend and I pretty much have NO personal time now that we have the munchkin king residing with us. Anything that used to be private is pretty much a spectator sport now and we have to be super creative when we wanna get the old bed squeakin in ya catch my drift? Did ya? Don't drop it now.
So now that we're parents, we have been pretty much resigned to gettin busy only when we get our son to sleep and even then it's not as sexy and exciting as it used to be. Take for example the pillow talk shall we? The before munchkin as compared to the AFTER munchkin

Before: "Oh yea baby you're the best!"
After: "Did you hear that? Is he awake? Shhh"

Yea see, not as sexy as it once was indeed.

Don't get me wrong though, sometimes it's like we're two randy teenagers sneakin a quickie in before the parents catch us! Too much information? Probably yea, moving on..

Another thing that differs pre baby is the amount of time it takes me to get the hell outta the house. I used to be able to sleep till 8am if I had to be at work for 8:30 and make it to work with enough time to have a cup o coffee and check my emails. NOW, if I get up at 7 I have to run around like a jerk, throwing things into a bag and pretending I'm not a total scatter brain mom. Though when I reach in the diaper bag and find eight pairs of socks and no extra clothes, it pretty much sums up my morning routine.

Anyway, yea my life has changed since I had my son and I'm sure, that I'm totally in store for WAYYY worse, like ya know, catchin him havin sexy times solo when he's like 13. Though I have jokes all ready set aside for such moments (He's so gonna hate me when he's a teen, I know it)

But in retrospect, if not for him, I woulda probably taken today off from work to sleep off a hang over and none of this blog would even exist so there's that ya know?

Fuck the Cool Kids

I wasn't very cool in High School. I know, shocking, considering how uber cool I am now, well how cool I was till I used the word uber in a sentence but I digress...

So yea I know all 21 of my follower *suck it ship jumpers!* are like hey not everyone was cool in high school. But see what made the fact that I was so uncool in high school suck so bad is that my sister, who is 14 months older then me, was like SUPER cool. Captain of the cheerleaders, prom queen type cool, get me?

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm holding onto anything like weird from High School, I mean, it was like 14 years ago that I graduated ya know? I'm just reminiscing cause well, lemme be honest, I totally Youtube'd the song Ditty by Paperboy and it made me think about high school. Whatever fuckers, don't judge me you hear me??? Don't you dare judge me...

Moving on..

This blog has a point, I promise, give me a few so I can make one up okay?

Oh yes, there it is

So yea, being uncool didn't always have to be a bad thing ya know? Like for example, people now, don't remember if they didn't like me or if I didn't like them, they just know my face when they do searches on Facebook and their all like hey I should friend her! She was sooooooo hilarious (I made this part up but I'll assume it's what they are thinkin cause it's pretty much what EVERYONE thinks)

Also, I got out of being suspended my senior year cause, as I mentioned, I had a super cool sister (I refrained with the uber this time, don't get used to it) that was two years ahead of me in school. I was late for the fifth time and the principle said, "Well Kristen, this makes five you know what that means?" He asked as he pointed to the index card on which he was keeping tally of tardies (hehehe tardies) and I was like "Whoa, whoa, I'm not Kristen, I'm Kate..." and he was like, "Ohhhh I'm sorry about that! Okay well since this is your first tardy (stifles giggle) I won't write you up, let's just not make it a habit okay?" and I was like "Gotcha" and he was like okay go to class.

That was fuckin awesome cause not for nothin, it was TOTALLY me that was tardy all those times! WIN!

Oh and being uncool in high school makes it much easier to seem MORE cool now as an adult cause if you really think about it, there was nowhere to go but up right? People that were cool in high school have a WAY higher standard to live up to especially coming from a small town like I did. Like, if you were uber cool (Yeaaaaa) then you graduate and like turn into a crack head, people are like wtf happened there right?! But if you were kinda uncool then even if you just like, move from the state people are like heyy she did well for herself!

Anyway, I dunno if it was the fact that I heard Paperboy or the fact that I'm kinda sorta, still a lil uncool but, I just thought I'd share this lil morsel of awesome from my brain with all of you in Bloggy land. Even if I still wouldn't get invited to sit at the cool kids table, at least here, in Blogland the place of magic and wonder, I would be at the not at all creepy and kinda funny kids table (even if Travis DIDN'T add me to the list of people he reads and thinks are funny) whatever though, I know all the words to Ditty so, yeaaa..

PS Let's pretend I didn't admit I Youtube'd the song Ditty by Paperboy okay? Thanks


PSS. Let's also, just for shits and giggles pretend I didn't admit to knowing all the words to Paperboy's Ditty...