Secret Agent K

I Have Road Rage Issues

2011-12-15T07:21:00.000-08:00

*long pause* Okay so I know I haven't blogged in a very long time and I'm sorry for that life was kind of kicking my ass. But at the moment I feel I need to get back into it so I can get some of the stuff I've been thinking off of my chest. A sort of cleansing if you will. NOW I also want to say, HOW THE FUCK DO I HAVE 25 FOLLOWERS?!??! When I blogged last I had like, 15! Could it be that my awesome was flowing even whilst I was away? YESSSS It must be.

Anyway, I was on my way to work today and realized something that I'm sure my son and the boyfriend have known for years. I have Road Rage, bad. I cannot simply get in my car and drive to and from where I need to be without at some point yelling "OMFG YOU ASSHOLE GET OUT OF THE WAYYYYYY!" Seriously it's like I have tourettes syndrome when I get behind the wheel and it doesn't just happen when I drive, oh no, it can also be when you drive with me in the car.

Now in case nobody that follows my blog or doesn't follow just reads cause you're a bunch of creepers and don't want me to know who you are, lives in Florida you may not understand the way people in Florida drive. In Florida is it perfectly fine to drive in the fast lane (yes there IS a fast lane) and not only NOT do the speed limit (or 20 miles over like I do) and talk on your phone. It is okay to do that here and for some reason when people in FL talk on their cell and drive, their foot comes off of the gas and just kind of hovers there so they aren't really driving so much as gliding, slowly, in the fast lane, GET OUT OF THE WAY ASSHOLE!

Also, here if there is an accident or even just someone who is polite enough to pull off to the side of the highway to talk on their phone so as not to cause a traffic slow down, you MUST, and I say it in caps MUST slow down as you pass them and look into their car just to make sure they are okay even though you have no intention of helping them say, if they were having a heart attack or something. No no, you simply slow down, look and then continue on your way, thus leaving a trail of 300 cars behind you as you do 35 in a 65.

Oh and you must always, always remember that if the light is yellow you stop, not slow, no no, STOP. So that the person behind you (Me) can now stop as well and sit in the car pounding the steering wheel screaming WHY DIDN'T YOU GO?!?!?!?! WHYYYYYYY??!?!?! Because I do that, I admit it and then I almost feel sad that you could have gone and you didn't thus making me wait as well.

Road Rage is a serious disease and I have a case of it, I am okay with that. But please be aware drivers on the road with me there are two things you should always remember. A) It is by the grace of God that I am not able to carry a gun in the car and 2) When I give you the death stare I am really truly in my head wishing that awful terrible things will happen to you :)

That's all for now, here's hoping I can get my head out of my ass long enough to keep blogging.

PS Yes I said A) and 2) Because that's funny to me and well, it's my blog and I say what's funny here

My son is Bi-LING-Gual

2011-01-20T07:27:00.000-08:00

Sooooo I feel as if I should say sorry or something for the fact that I haven't blogged since July of '10 and while common courtesy would ask, ney DEMAND I do so, I say fuck you common courtesy and leave it at that.

AnyIwasinprison---

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned that I have a son, he's three, SUPER cute (he's mine I mean duh) SMART (I like putting words I feel are important in CAPS because well I need you too see them and fully understand that I'm making a retarded face while saying them for emphasis)

Yea so my son is smart as hell and he's chatty and he also happens to be half Irish *me* and half Puerto Rican *His dad* Now this is fuckin awesome cause I mean, helloooo all kinda scholarships for being a minority woot woot! Well half but it still counts.

Now because his dad speaks Spanish well Spanglish, he's from NY, my son has, being the brilliant child he is, picked up a few words here and there. That coupled with the fact that he watches Dora and Diego *Creepy lil rounded headed bastards* he's getting pretty good with the whole es-pan-ol! Great right? Riiiight.

The other day we go to the store and my son, my beautiful cherub of a child says loud as hell

"Mama look at my bolas!"

If you don't know what bolas are, you should really learn to sound and blend but in Spanish, at least Nuyorican Spanish, Bolas is a way of saying balls. Now I don't have any idea why at that moment my son felt it imperative that I look at his balls, maybe it was the store itself. I mean I know Wal Mart makes me want to look at balls and vaginas but that's me *lmfao @ the word vaginas*

I laughed, hard and loud and for a few minutes and all the while, the people around me gave me the stank eye because well, everyone in Florida speaks Spanish. They looked at me as if to say, wtf? And I laughed more because of that and then I was like high five! And my son and I high fived.

I like that my son speaks Spanish and screw it I even like the fact that he knows a few of the curse words because Kids+Swear Words= Good times.

No excuse me while I teach him some words in Gaelic!

Suck it Trebek!

2010-07-19T12:45:00.001-07:00

Yea my title has abso-freakin-LUTLEY nothin to do with my post but wtf ever it's hilarious and it makes me think of the guy on SNL that does Sean Connery and that right there is hilarious...

So Boyfriend and I are in the car the other day, on our way to a shopping centre(I said it all fancy and shit ya like that? Wtf is a centre anyway? Why is it so much better then a CENTER? WHY?)
So we're drivin and I'm like

Me: Dude why do you drive like an old lady
BF: What? I don't drive like an old lady.
ME: OMG GET IN YOUR LANE!
BF: WHAT?!
Me: Sheesh you know there are two lanes here right?
BF: *Cold side eye stare*
Me: Right? You know that? Two lanes, one two, uno dos? One for you one for the other people driving?
BF: *really cold side eye stare, slight lip curl*
Me: Do you want me to drive?

Apparently, askin a guy if he wants you to drive is kinda like sayin, "hey, want me to hold those balls for ya? Doesn't look like you need 'em"
So he's like why would I need you to drive? And I'm like cause you're all swervy and shit I thought maybe you were tired, or drunk or high on the ludes and he's like, wtf are you talkin about? Just let me drive. Can't we go ANYWHERE without you tellin me how to drive? I swear I think your head would explode if you went just ONE day without talkin shit on my driving. Now the whole time he's sayin this, I'm sayin stuff like.
Stop swerving!
TWO LANES!
OMG I drive way better then you!
Hey look Rita's Italian ices!

So this mornin we're in the car and he's droppin me off to work and I'm like, totally gonna prove his whole, exploding head if I don't talk shit theory wrong right? So he starts swervin an stuff (He says he doesn't I say he does) and the convo goes like this

BF: I mean it's like five bucks for a coffee *swerve*
Me: *deafening silence*
BF: Who pays that much for a cup of coffee.
Me: Sound of teeth clenching, light sweat forming on brow*
BF: What's the matter? *swerve, take up both lanes, swerve
Me: You know there are... *stops, clenches teeth, wipes brow, frowns, covers mouth in effort to stay quiet*
BF: What? There are what? *looks triumphant, raises eye brow*
Me: Nothin, huh? I didn't say anything *Nostrils flare, clench hands, Lamaze breathing.
BF: There are what? Two lanes? Hmm? is that what you were gonna say hmm? Two? One TWO? Uno, Dos *Looks pleased, snickers.
Me: OMG TWO LANES TWO LANES PICK ONE!!! *pants heavily*
BF: Yeaaaaaaaaa.

I fail at holding back and he fails at staying in his own lane, guess that's what makes us good together ya know? All about knowin what works.

Dear tooth, you're an asshole...

2010-07-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

*twirls into blog* Helllllllllloooo blogggggggy friends!

Whew, FYI, chubby chicks and twirling? NOT a good thing.

Anyway, hello out there in blog land. I haven't been on in a good long while cause I was busy and stuff with pressing matters, like facebooking and spending time at Wal Mart and telling my son that a monster lives in our closet and it will bite him in the ass if he doesn't stop talking while mommy is watching the The Next Food Network Star, ya know, the IMPORTANT stuff (FYI my son totally believes me hilarious right?) So I checked my email the other day and I had a new email from Blog Spot tellin me that a really nice lady name Sherri (sorry I totally say your name in my head with a French Accent) tellin me that she was followin my blog. It got me thinkin, wtf is she talkin about? And then I was like Holy fuck stick I have a blog! So I came on over and decided to type a lil sum sum for everyone out there (After I read Becky over at Steam Me Up Kid and Ed over at Ed's Funny Pages and the rest of the funny mofo's I follow ( I miss their blogs, in a really creepy stalker sorta way)

So I decided to fill everyone in on what I've been up to as of late. Oh a quick FYI, I'm also being followed my real life, honest to goodness bff FOREVER Anna, she's super awesome (she's friends with me need I say more) And she's the only one I know that can tell a closeted gay guy on a train in NY that his closet door is hangin open (PRICELESS!) Anyway, she's in a few of my blogs so if you think bad thoughts bout me, you think 'em about her too HAHA! Devious!

So yea, I had a WICKED tooth ache this past weekend. Now, let me start this off my saying I HATE, HATE the dentist. I don't like their drills (Sounds sexual right?) I don't like the stupid fuckin happy faced teeth statues they all seem to have around their offices and I especially don't like the broads that come in first, like they wanna make sure you don't have any weapons on ya before the actual "doctor" comes in right? I digress. I don't like em so I don't go to em. I brush and floss and pray that my dental genetics don't banish me to the toothless realm and so far so good (sans a few backies (thats what I call the teeth wayyyy in the back, serious stuff) Anyteethfallinouttamyhead, I got the pains on Thursday and having become quite the AT home dentist, I knew right away what it was, so I got on the horn with boyfriends sister and asked her to get me some antibiotics (Which she did) So I start poppin em, thinkin, yea fuck your LIFE tooth I beat your ass.
Yea I was wrong. That little bastard came at me with pain the likes of which I have never know before and dude I had a baby AND a bad gall bladder. So basically I was a drooly mess and I totally used it as an excuse to lay on the couch the whole weekend and watch reality tv and cry in between episodes of Keeping up with the Kardashians (What a bunch of mutts those bitches are right?)
The final day of tooth terror was Sunday (Of course right before I went back to work ya know) And as I sat in the bathroom, tearing up and wiggling the back tooth for dear life, I had a conversation with said tooth.
Me~ Dude, wtf? W-T-F?
Tooth~ What? Stop eatin so much candy and shit fat ass, not my fault
Me~ I brush you all the time you bastard
Tooth~ So?
Me~ SO??!?! I have done everything I CAN for you and THIS is how you repay me *Points @ swollen face and cheek area*
Tooth~ Well, go to a dentist
Me~NEVER!
Tooth~ Fuck ya then
Me~ *tear* okay tomorrow first thing, I'll call the dentist

~The next day:

Me~ Ohh toooooth
Tooth~ What?
Me~ I feel alllll better, thanks to my at home diagnosis and antibiotics
Tooth~ So? Call the dentist
Me~ NEVER! SUCK IT!

Yea, that was pretty awesome how I came back at my tooth like that right? *self high five*

Anyway, that's all, I'll be back, maybe, at some point *skulks outta blog*

That shit doesn't happen in real life

2010-04-05T05:47:00.000-07:00

I'm back, know you missed me blah blah blah..

Moving on

So the other day I was watching the cuts for some movie staring Miley Cyrus, ya know, the toddler that is the spawn of the dude that sang the song "Achey Breaky Heart"? Yea, the one with the mullet. No, SHE doesn't have a mullet, he does. Anyway, so I was watching the cuts for her new movie and in the one part they show her layin on the beach with her love interest adorning her with shells and shit right? So for like a second I was like, ahh that's kinda sweet and romantic. And then the reality set in that, ya know, that shit doesn't happen in real life. I mean, she's layin on the beach in the middle of the day and her and this dude are the only two people there? WTF beach are THEY at? Everytime I have ever gone to the beach there have been like four billion other people there, most of whom shouldn't EVER come in contact with a) speedos or b) two piece bathing suits. I digress. So besides that, there's the whole layin on the beach and gettin lovey dovey. Have any of you ever tried to get busy on the beach? If not, well, I have and lemme tell ya, that shit is not sexy. First you start to get all damp and shit cause well, it's the fuckin beach. Then, you get this weird salty flavor in your mouth cause well, it's the fuckin beach. THEN, if that's not enough to make the sexy times not seem so sexy, you get sand everywhere. In your pants, your shirt, your hair,the crack o yer ass, shit I got sand in my eye and had to stop kissing to be like OWE MY EYE MY EYE GET OFF ME!
Tell me how sexy THAT is?

Anywhothefuckcares, my point is, these bastards in Hollywood try and make shit seem sooooo realistic but I mean, c'mon, really? And I know I know, movies are supposed to be an escape and it's not meant to be real blahhhh blah blah right? But then why even bother? I mean, that's like showin a starvin guy a big ass steak on tv and bein like, just look at it, it's not meant to be real, it's your escape. No, see that doesn't work for me. If I go see a love story, I want that shit to be somewhat realistic. I wanna be like, yea that could totally happen, when I leave the theater. I want a movie, just once where the dude meets the girl in a bar (Cause you fuckers know it happens) and is like all drunk and shit tellin her how sexy she is. And the girl in turn, bein all sloppy drunk as well is like I love him!

Ya know, real life. Now, don't get me wrong. I know that other genres (totally had to spell check this word, fail....)are MEANT to be fantasy. Like Harry Potter (love this movie) I know that Harry and his wonderful school Hogwarts are meant to be fantasy, that I'm not gonna go to get on a train and run THROUGH a brick wall. No my bloggy buddies, I know that my ass would try and run INTO the wall. So I can accept this and like it despite the fact that I KNOW it will never happen.

But love stories, I can't, I can't watch shit like Titanic and be all lovey dovey cause I mean, wtf?!?! Who gives a fuck about some dude you met and got busy with on a ship that fuckin sank? Bitch be grateful your ass didn't drown too right? Or how bout the movie the Notebook? Makin out in the rain and shit, right, cause nothin is sexier then bein soakin wet, hair plastered to your face while some dude holds you up makin dramatic fuck me faces right?

I know, I know. I'm totally handing in my girly card as soon as I hit publish on this bitch but whatever, at least I won't have to watch any more foofy movies about love so I'm okay with it.

PS. Am I the only one that wants to kick Miley Cyrus right in the face?

Your mom, why yes, yes I am

2010-03-04T12:30:00.000-08:00

So last night I was tryina watch the Disney movie UP that I had put on my list over there at the Netflix for my son (and by son I mean myself) Now as I tried to relax after a long day of checkin my Facebook page, reading The Pioneer Woman and cutting the heads off Maxim models and putting my head on their bodies, I realized I had watched the first twenty or so minutes of the movie with a toddler ass in my face.

Let me explain

My son, will inevitably find that the other square footage in the living room is unsuitable for his random throwing of toys and noise making. So much so that the only place acceptable is directly in my line of vision. I realized this only because the boyfriend said...
"Little person, get outta mommy's way, she can't see.."

And my son was like

"Tiger rawr daddy tiger bite me owe..."

So the boyfriend says, "How can you watch tv like that? Why not just tell him to move?"

It was then that I realized I hadn't even noticed him standing in the way, blocking half of the tv screen.

As I lay in bed that night (Yeaaa sexy time visions right? Eh, eh right?) I started to think of all the other things that I do now or don't notice now that PRE little person, woulda driven me nuts or at the very least made me retch. Would you like to know what else? Sure you do...

Vomit~ This is one of my favorites because as I have mentioned before, someone having a case of the voms in my general area is enough to make me run screaming and hyperventilating from the room. But for some reason when my son does it, I don't want to scream or run until AFTER I know he's okay. After I am sure he's okay is when I get the sicky feeling and fight the urge to throw up, weird right?

Poop~ Now I've never been one to discuss poopin or anything poop related but this is another area that I don't think I woulda been as OKAY with as I am now that I have a spawn. My son decided the other day that his diaper was too "constricting" as it were so he ripped it off with gusto and pretty much slam dunked it onto the kitchen floor all proud and shit ya know. So I'm like wtf? And as I reached down to grab it, I see brown on my hand and I'm all, when did I make brownies? Yea, it wasn't chocolaty goodness, it was shit, on my hand, and my arm, and somehow mysteriously on my elbow. Now granted I was like EWE! But then after given my son the hairy eye and washing my arm off I was business as usual. When did THAT happen hmm? When did getting someone else's shit on my arm become a whatever moment?

Ninja Sex~ Now not to get to personal but this is a blog and I'm gonna share cause sharing is caring fuckers....
The boyfriend and I pretty much have NO personal time now that we have the munchkin king residing with us. Anything that used to be private is pretty much a spectator sport now and we have to be super creative when we wanna get the old bed squeakin in ya catch my drift? Did ya? Don't drop it now.
So now that we're parents, we have been pretty much resigned to gettin busy only when we get our son to sleep and even then it's not as sexy and exciting as it used to be. Take for example the pillow talk shall we? The before munchkin as compared to the AFTER munchkin

Before: "Oh yea baby you're the best!"
After: "Did you hear that? Is he awake? Shhh"

Yea see, not as sexy as it once was indeed.

Don't get me wrong though, sometimes it's like we're two randy teenagers sneakin a quickie in before the parents catch us! Too much information? Probably yea, moving on..

Another thing that differs pre baby is the amount of time it takes me to get the hell outta the house. I used to be able to sleep till 8am if I had to be at work for 8:30 and make it to work with enough time to have a cup o coffee and check my emails. NOW, if I get up at 7 I have to run around like a jerk, throwing things into a bag and pretending I'm not a total scatter brain mom. Though when I reach in the diaper bag and find eight pairs of socks and no extra clothes, it pretty much sums up my morning routine.

Anyway, yea my life has changed since I had my son and I'm sure, that I'm totally in store for WAYYY worse, like ya know, catchin him havin sexy times solo when he's like 13. Though I have jokes all ready set aside for such moments (He's so gonna hate me when he's a teen, I know it)

But in retrospect, if not for him, I woulda probably taken today off from work to sleep off a hang over and none of this blog would even exist so there's that ya know?

Fuck the Cool Kids

2010-02-22T10:25:00.000-08:00

I wasn't very cool in High School. I know, shocking, considering how uber cool I am now, well how cool I was till I used the word uber in a sentence but I digress...

So yea I know all 21 of my follower *suck it ship jumpers!* are like hey not everyone was cool in high school. But see what made the fact that I was so uncool in high school suck so bad is that my sister, who is 14 months older then me, was like SUPER cool. Captain of the cheerleaders, prom queen type cool, get me?

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm holding onto anything like weird from High School, I mean, it was like 14 years ago that I graduated ya know? I'm just reminiscing cause well, lemme be honest, I totally Youtube'd the song Ditty by Paperboy and it made me think about high school. Whatever fuckers, don't judge me you hear me??? Don't you dare judge me...

Moving on..

This blog has a point, I promise, give me a few so I can make one up okay?

Oh yes, there it is

So yea, being uncool didn't always have to be a bad thing ya know? Like for example, people now, don't remember if they didn't like me or if I didn't like them, they just know my face when they do searches on Facebook and their all like hey I should friend her! She was sooooooo hilarious (I made this part up but I'll assume it's what they are thinkin cause it's pretty much what EVERYONE thinks)

Also, I got out of being suspended my senior year cause, as I mentioned, I had a super cool sister (I refrained with the uber this time, don't get used to it) that was two years ahead of me in school. I was late for the fifth time and the principle said, "Well Kristen, this makes five you know what that means?" He asked as he pointed to the index card on which he was keeping tally of tardies (hehehe tardies) and I was like "Whoa, whoa, I'm not Kristen, I'm Kate..." and he was like, "Ohhhh I'm sorry about that! Okay well since this is your first tardy (stifles giggle) I won't write you up, let's just not make it a habit okay?" and I was like "Gotcha" and he was like okay go to class.

That was fuckin awesome cause not for nothin, it was TOTALLY me that was tardy all those times! WIN!

Oh and being uncool in high school makes it much easier to seem MORE cool now as an adult cause if you really think about it, there was nowhere to go but up right? People that were cool in high school have a WAY higher standard to live up to especially coming from a small town like I did. Like, if you were uber cool (Yeaaaaa) then you graduate and like turn into a crack head, people are like wtf happened there right?! But if you were kinda uncool then even if you just like, move from the state people are like heyy she did well for herself!

Anyway, I dunno if it was the fact that I heard Paperboy or the fact that I'm kinda sorta, still a lil uncool but, I just thought I'd share this lil morsel of awesome from my brain with all of you in Bloggy land. Even if I still wouldn't get invited to sit at the cool kids table, at least here, in Blogland the place of magic and wonder, I would be at the not at all creepy and kinda funny kids table (even if Travis DIDN'T add me to the list of people he reads and thinks are funny) whatever though, I know all the words to Ditty so, yeaaa..

PS Let's pretend I didn't admit I Youtube'd the song Ditty by Paperboy okay? Thanks

PSS. Let's also, just for shits and giggles pretend I didn't admit to knowing all the words to Paperboy's Ditty...

I could be a stalker

2010-02-17T06:30:00.000-08:00

I had a dream once that Jerry Lewis bought me a horse and we rode around on our horses through my neighborhood and I felt all cool and shit and was like yea bitches I got a horse, from Jerry Lewis!

Now at the time of said dream I was like 11 or 12 and I had started to thoroughly enjoy the wacky antics of Martin and Lewis so the dream was totally relevant. In fact in my dream Jerry Lewis was skinny and stuff not like now, where he's all fat and bloaty lookin...

I've had other dreams about famous people through the years. I had a dream once that Denis Leary and I were chillin in an Irish pub in Dublin throwin back shots and he was like you're the coolest broad EVER and I was like can I borrow some money (Yea even I didn't get that but whatever it's Denis Leary!)

My point in all this is that I'm pretty sure given a few less scruples I could totally be that stalker you hear about in the news that like hangs out in the trees of famous peoples house and send them letters talkin bout how much fun we would have together if they would just lift the restraining order.

I know that makes me sound weird but whatever. There are very few famous people I truly enjoy, most of 'em make me wanna punch their eye brows off their faces (I.E. Paris Hilton) but the ones I do like I could totally see myself hangin out with.

Take for example Paula Dean. Now I <3 the food channel lots, LOTS, and though I have NEVER cooked a thing I've seen her make, I love to watch her. She seems like she could be the grandmother that makes you delish cookies and homemade hot chocolate just for shits and giggles.

The above mentioned Denis Leary seems like another good choice if you had to stalk someone. He, at least to me (and my copious notes on him, hmm wha?) strikes me as the kinda dude that would be like totally cool to hang out with, drink a pint or two and just shoot the shit.

Or Mozart. He was like totally off the walls and he could play piano, how awesome would that be right? Except the wigs, they always just seemed creepy to me so I'd probably be all like hey man, not for nothin but lets leave the wig at home okay? he's probably say somethin in some language I didn't understand but whatever. I would just take it to mean yea sure and keep it movin.

Hugh Laurie is another one I would wanna meet but not as like the guy himself, as Dr Gregory House. I fuckin love him, I can't lie, I would be stoked if he was my dr cause I would know that no matter how much of a doucher he was, I would totally live! Or I would die but in a totally awesome way with an even more awesome theme song, WIN!

Colin Farrell, for obvious reasons. He's smarmy and vulgar and Irish, what more could you POSSIBLY need in a friend? Plus he swears like a sailor and does it with a cool Irish brogue that's just cool.

Okay so I can't keep on with the long ass list of explanations for each person I would totally stalk so I'll just go ahead and put their names cause well, I'm lazy and I have a bagel with cream cheese waitin on me so enjoy and feel free to do your own lil list cause everyone knows it's fun to be a stalker!

1- George Clooney
2- Al Pacino
3- Seth Rogen
4- Jonah Hill
5- Johnny Depp (Dressed as Jack Sparrow cause that's just awesome)
6- Lucky Luciano (Yea I know he's dead but whatever as long as he doesn't come back as a zombie I'm good...)
7- Jesus so I can high five him and tell him thanks
8- Frank McCourt (He's dead too, but remember no zombie, no problem)
9- Vince Vaughn
10- Simon Baker <---- I am so set on him and as a matter of fact at this moment I am in a tree on a lap top in front of his house...

I kid

Or do I?

I swear I'm A Girl, sorta, kinda...

2010-02-16T07:59:00.001-08:00

I am a tomboy. There, I said it.

I don't like to wear dresses or skirts or skorts or whatever the fuck those things are that are like skirts and shorts all wrapped into one which give you like the wedgie from hell pretty much every time you wear em.

I don't wear makeup, the one time I did was for a wedding and I made fun of myself the whole day, making comments like:

Whoa who hired the geisha?
Or
"Paging Miss whore make up Mcslut face..."

So yea basically, I'm not very feminine in the sense that I give a shit about stuff like makeup or dresses and the like. I don't know why since pretty much all the women in my family are very feminine and girly, taking great pleasure in spending money on clothes and stuff ya know? My mom, man she was girly, very classy too which I'm sure made people look at me like wtf where did SHE come from?

The boyfriend says I should dress girlier like when I first met him, but what he doesn't realize is that when I first met him I was like on the "hunt" and in order to get the prey, I mean, man, you have to look a certain way. If he only knew that before I went out and we met, I was totally wearin some sweat pants and a hoodie and my hair was pulled up into one of those old lady I just don't give a fuck buns? Ya know, the ones where you can't even be bothered to brush your hair first, you just kinda pull it back and hope you have that new in style "messy" look?

Yea, he woulda totally wanted to give me the sexy times had be met me THEN right?

I digress..

Sometimes though I wish I was a little girlier with the way I dress. Though finding cute outfits in size SEVENTEEN feet tall is kinda hard, unless of course I wanna look like Steve Urkel but whiter, and less early 90's looking. Does anyone else remember him? Did I just make myself look retarded using him as an example? Errrr, yea..

Oh and please don't misunderstand, I don't mean I'm not girly in the sense that I like rip ass in public and then tell people it was me or that I adjusted my non existent fun bags or anything. It's basically the way I dress. And I have decided that I will try and dress a lil more feminine.

But the bun stays, cause not for nothin, I store stuff in it and I refuse to carry a purse!

Anyway, that's it for now, BBL <---- Text lingo, like that?

K

Things My Parents Said that Should Offend Me, but Didn't

2010-02-11T07:52:00.000-08:00

"Are you retarded or just dumb"

So yea my dad asked me this once when I was like 17 and the best answer I could come up with was...

"Both?"

He laughed, my mom shook her head with this weird "I can't believe she came from my loins" look and my sister was like FUCKIN WIN!!! She totally didn't say fuckin cause then my mom woulda bitch slapped her into the next century..

Which is something my mom used to say, along with things like

"I'll brain you so help me!" And this one always confused me cause well, in my sick mind using the word "brain" in that context always makes me thing of getting some oral lovins and then to add to it she would say "So help me!" Like she was askin me to help her and I would just kinda stand there like, uhhh, errr, uhhh, hmm, what now? And then of course I would get the "came from my loins look again" and then I would just kinda wander off like a slow kid to do whatever it is that slow kids do, lick somethin I suppose (Is that offensive to say? Uhhh, errrr, uhhh, hmmm....)

Another one I liked was once, when I was like 15, I decided that I was gonna buy and WEAR this totally short, tight, camo skirt that my friend swore looked rockin on me. What she neglected to say was that at that age, most girls will tell their four hundred pound friend that she looks GREAT in that tube top, shit all hangin out, simply to make themselves feel better, bitches. I didn't weigh 400 pounds but damn it I was well on my way so let's do this equation shall we?

Fatty McFatFat + Short, Tight, Camo Skirt= No Bueno, noooo bueno

So yea I put the skirt on and added some nice heels, cause nothin says class like nice heels and a short tight camo skirt right? And when I got downstairs my mom was like...

"Where are you...OH for the LOVE of all that is good and holy WHAT are you wearing?!?!"

And I was like

"Holler"

She gave me a look that was reserved for occasions like this, it said not that she was shocked I came from her, more so then it said, "WTF is she retarded?!?!?"

And my dad, who was all quiet up till this point, sipping his coffee and watching the news looked over and said all John Wayne like (Cause my dad kinda reminds me of John Wayne but way fuckin cooler) and he says

"You look like ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag"

Yea and I was like all angst ridden and fat and shit and of course I cried and cried like a dick face and he was all like what? What did I say? And my mom was like TOMMY! and My dad was all like, what? what did I say?

Oh and where the fuck is Kingdom Come? Anyone? Anyone? Buller? Cause well, for most of my adolescence my mom would threaten to send me there via her fist and I would always wonder where it was. Do they have rides in this place you speak of? Are there going to be refreshments? A petting zoo? Something awesome?

I never did learn what Kingdom Come was all about but it sounded like fun, less the punch in the face.

So the other day I was yellin at my son for somethin, cause that's how I do ya know, yell, and I said I swear to God kid I will brain you and since he's two he just kinda laughed and said mommy's funny which I totally am but that's besides the point...

And I realized that I say alot of the same shit my parents said to me to MY son. Which kinda makes me feel old but then totally makes me wanna say MORE of the things they said just so I can be like parent like.

Cause in my opinion, makin 'em clean for you and askin if they are dumb or retarded is one of the MANY perks of parenthood...

I <3 and respect the hell outta my parents, they were awesome, God rest them (Somethin else my mom used to say, like God is tuckin people in for nap time I guess?)

But I'm still waitin for that trip to Kingdom Come...

Got my fanny pack and camera ready!

That's so totally inappropriate

2010-01-18T12:47:00.000-08:00

Hey Bloggy pals, buddies, blogesters. Been a while, I know, lost a few followers in my absence, *tear* been tryin to catch up and tryin to think of something totally hilarious to blog about. In doing this research, I came to the conclusion that I say some of the most inappropriate things EVER. Well lemme clarify okay, I say things sometimes before I REALIZE they were inappropriate but sometimes people laugh so that makes it all better, well cool hilarious people laugh, unlike the French cause they totally don't laugh at anything *shakes fist @ France*

Moving on..

As I said I lost two followers in my absence and at first I was like WTF and then I was like I'm gonna post somethin like I got into a really firey accident and THAT'S why I didn't blog for a while just so those that bailed would be like, OMG How HOOOOORIBLE and they would feel bad for leavin, but then I was like, wait, that's totally inappropriate...

AWESOME segue into my topic right? Holler...

So I asked the boyfriend if he thought I was weird or that if I do stuff maybe I shouldn't alot and he was like nah, well, except that time you beat up that homeless guy and then made him carry you around on his back like he was a pony..

And I was like yea you're right and all was right until he said, well sometimes you say things maybe you shouldn't. And then I thought, ya know, he might be right.

I DO say things that I guess some "people" would find questionable. And I DO say things at "times" when "Maybe" I "Shouldn't" ya know. Like the other day I was in my Research and Writing class and we were talking about kids and this one broad said something about how she kept her kids first baby teeth and shit and that some guy told her that was weird and somehow I ended up making the comment, like, I dunno..

"You should tell him you saved the placenta and you have it in the car if he wants to see it.."

TOTALLY appropriate for the convo right? I mean, wtf, why did I get this horrified look from like half the class? C'mon! Placenta is hilarious.

Or like the time when my sister was preggo with her daughter and she didn't wanna find out what the sex was and I was like well then just name the baby Cletus...

And she was all like, yea, Cletus Fetus. Oh how we laughed and laughed and laughed and then made a whole story for Cletus Fetus, that he/she was raised in like some back woods place and had a mullet and stuff. Hilarious. So I told someone about Cletus and they were all like, ewe, that's just weird and I'm pretty sure totally inappropriate. What?!!? How is naming an unborn baby Cletus inappropriate or better yet giving the fetus a mullet?!?! So I was like you know what's weird? Your FACE! And the I snapped my fingers and walked away. I think I got my point across.

Ya know what else I would like to say but don't cause I was once told it was inappropriate? In the butt. Like if someone asks you have you seen my keys you can be like, in the butt! But nooo, can't say that can ya? Cause any mention of butt is not socially except able..

Or telling someone that had bad breath that they are "kickin like Bruce Lee" why is THAT inappropriate?

I dunno man, I just don't know. But whatever, if I think it's funny fuck it! I'm gonna say it, my inner voice be damned!

Anyway, that's all for now to those awesome people that stuck around *shakes fist at those that jumped ship*

Why I should NEVER try and look sexy

2010-01-04T06:38:00.000-08:00

Good 2010 to ya bloggy buddies! Hope you all had a blessed one, since I haven't been on to say that to ya, sorry if I seem a bit late but better late then never I always say. Yes, I always say that, for no reason what so ever, like randomly and shit...

My dog died *tear*
Better late then never!

Anywtf...

So I had a nice holiday. The boyfriends family came in from West Palm Beach which was nice. My son was fawned over and lavished with love which I, I mean, he, needs (I totally meant me cause well I'm an attention whore and I live vicariously though my two year old, but whatever...)

I swear I'm goin somewhere with this blog, I just don't know where yet, stay with me here people..

Oh yes, now I remember. So being that it was a holiday everyone and their mother had cameras and that's all kinda nice and shit but I have to let you in on a lil secret okay? Come closer, yes, yes, lean closer, let me whisper it in your ear, I..HATE...CAMERAS.

Dude how many of you totally leaned in towards your monitor, hahahaha, suck it!

Anyway, yea I hate cameras. Loath them really. Always have, well, sans the times I drank pretty much an entire bottle of Bacardi and SWORE I was a fuckin model, but as an everyday thing, I hate 'em. Let me explain why m'kay?

There are some people that photograph well, I, myself, am not one of them. Now I don't think I'm ugly, but for some reason, every time I have a camera pointed at me, I become like, this other person. I swear to you, it's like that episode of "Friends" where Chandler and Monica are tryin to find a good engagement picture of them but every time Chandler gets a camera pointed at him he makes this retard face without realizing it.(see attached photo for reference) That's TOTALLY me, except I KNOW I'm makin a retard face and for that split second that it takes for the flash to fade, I have this feeling that the picture is gonna turn out rockin hot, and then I actually SEE the picture and I look like baby fuckin Huey. I swear to God (and the baby Jesus) I can't take a nice picture to save my life.

But I try, oh yea I try. I take picture after picture after picture and my shame knows no limits, I will in fact do my hair JUST to try and take a nice picture. It's not vanity, I swear, it's more like self preservation, cause if out of like seven hundred pictures I take, at least one doesn't come out with me looking somewhat normal, I fixate on the fact that I look like a slow kid in pictures endlessly.

It's sad I know but because I have issues (like you didn't figure THAT out all ready?) I find that picture taking and all it entails only adds fuel to my self deprecating fire. What I mean is, a bad picture for me can lead to me deciding that I need a new hairstyle, color, clothes, lip job, boob job, lipo, Jenny Craig/Weight Watchers (a combination of the two would be 2 times faster hooray!)

It's a never ending, ugly cycle I tell ya...

So basically, I avoid cameras like the black death end of story. It's for my own, and my families well being.

Trust me...

Cause I'm From PA MOFO's

2009-12-23T08:46:00.001-08:00

So I follow Travis aka Tdog aka Tdizzle aka T Shiz (I TOTALLY made that last one up!) Over there at I Like To Fish, man I give lots of props to Travis in my blogs don't I?

Anystalker, T Shiz was over there on his page talkin about how people got all kinda offended over a video aka Vlog (I like aka's makes me feel all CIA like) that basically poked a bit 'o fun at a parade in his hometown, hence poking fun AT his lil hometown. Now not unlike T Shiz, I too, come from a relatively small town in Pennsylvania. Now, nobody, and I mean, NOBODY outside of said small town has ever heard of where I come from despite the fact that it is only like an hour an a half drive from Philly. Yeaaa, everyone knows where PHILLY is but fuck Wilkes-Barre right!??! Whatever *stank eye*

Well his blog and the aforementioned fall out relating to the video made me think of all the things that are so completely different from my hometown as compared to where I live now, in Orlando *aka shitville* Florida. Things that I get made fun of BY people from Orlando, my Orlando family included...

First off, people in Orlando bust my chops for talking so fast. I've heard some real winners here in O Town, examples? Of course

Me: Good morning can I help you? (No I don't work at like Mickey D's though I would totally work there for free pies and shit)
Customer- Whoa, whoa, whoa you talk kinda fast huh?
Me: Excuse me?
Customer: What?
Me: I'm sorry sir/ma'am, I'll slow down for you
Customer: Where you from?
Me: Pennsylvania
Customer: Ohhh you a yank huh?
Me: *blank stare*
Customer: Yeaaa, I shoulda know by the way you talk, too fast
Me: *Blank stare* I..Am..Sorry...Sir/Ma'am...Can...I...Help...You?
Customer: Whoa whoa whoa...

I also apparently use terms that people in Florida don't get..

MAC machine? Nooo in FL it's called an ATM not MAC and if you ask for a MAC machine you get nothin

Hoagie- I refer to sandwiches from places like Subway as hoagies, always have, always will, in Florida they are called Hero's or Subs, wtf ever dude, just gimme my meatball and cheese please..

I say I'm goin UP the mall rather then TO the mall and according to people in Orlando that is just hil-fuckin-arious..

Pirogies, yes, they are delish and NO you cannot get them in Florida well unless you buy them in the grocery store and that's just not okay..

Florida doesn't have deer. No Florida has these things that KINDA look like deer but aren't. They are more like Great Danes with antlers and when they jump out in front of your car they don't really do anything other then like ding your car up a little and ruin your day whereas in PA when you hit a deer the mofo end up in your front seat kinda like that scene outta the movie Tommy Boy

I graduated from High School with 175 kids. I know people in Florida who graduated with 1700 kids, wth!?!?

When the weather in Florida hits like 60 you see people running around in parkas and ski masks and shit and THAT is hilarious. One year, in PA, I had to tunnel my way outt my car. Yep, TUNNEL. When the weather in FL hits 60 I'm outside with shorts on and trust me, my pale ass in shorts, Sex-ay...

You can buy liquor at the 7-11 here, seriously dude why? Whoever invented that idea was brilliant. Cause I mean nothin better then gettin a six pack and gassin up the car to drink and drive right? WiN!

Anyway, so there are a few of the differences that I've seen. Now, I don't have nearly as many followers as Travis does so the chances that I'll offend anyone are slim but if I did, I say this...

*blank stare*

My Christmas List

2009-12-18T07:35:00.000-08:00

Okay so my last entry was super mean and filled with vulgarities so basically it was awesome...

But it's xmas time, ya know, the season where we celebrate x's? No! It's Christmas, where we celebrate Jesus and his birth and stuff (Not the taco guy that Becky has a secret lust filled affair with) Jesus, our Lord and Savior, so what better way to show my love and thanks to Jesus then to make a list of all the awesome shit I want, no, NEED, under my super cool plastic wal mart tree?

So here it is mofo's my super freakin cool ass Christmas list..

1~ Ninja Skills, cause I mean, who wouldn't want ninja skills?

2~ A monkey that wears pants and has ninja skills, do I have to explain?

3~ A Sauropod and for those of you who don't know dinosaurs, it's totally huge and has a long neck made for fun times sliding down it! It's a double win, awesome pet AND a slide? PS I totally want a dinosaur now cause I started reading Kurt over at Monster Apathy and he talks about dino's and it totally made me want one so thanks Kurt!

4~ The Geico lizard cause he's cute and green and speaks with an English accent

5~ A private jet so I can be like the bitches on Gossip Girl and just jet off to places that have names I can't pronounce.

7~ Footy pj's, adult size please.

8~ Lunch w/ Ed from Ed's Funny Pages, Travis from I Like To Fish, Brandee from Think Tank Momma, Becky from Steam Me Up Kid, Miss Yvonne from Yo Mama's Blog,and Kurt from The Monster Apathy cause well, they are the funniest mother fuckers alive and I <3 funny people. Not like kid toucher funny, ha ha funny. Wait am I allowed to say kid toucher funny? Shit I said it again, guess I am! Oh and I woulda put all their pictures up but well, I don't know if thats like copyright infringement and besides, the wonk eye picture of Becky is too fuckin hilarious for me too look at for too long.

9~A day in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, where I would proceed directly to the licky wallpaper, at which I would promptly yell "The Snozzberries taste like Snozzberries!" because I mean, what else could they possibly taste like?

10~ That Monster Ballad cd collection, love me some Whitesnake...Wait I don't think I shoulda admitted that?

11~A trip to Michigan to see my sister cause nobody in the world makes me laugh like she does (okay this one was kinda gay and sappy but w/e)

12~ A personal translator so that when I'm around the boyfriends family, and they speak the Spanish to me, I can be like, whoa, whoa, wait a minute there heffe and point to the translator all professional like...

13~ Five minutes with Johnny Depp, please please please baby Jesus make this one come true, I love him so...

And there you have it, for now I mean cause there is still like 3 days till Jesus day and I can totally think of a hundred other things I want.

Merry X-Mas bloggy buddies and may you all get the things you want/need =)

SAK <<<<(My moniker is SAK HILARIOUS!)

My Letter To You...

2009-12-18T05:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Guy On The Bus Last Night:

You don't know me, and I don't know, but I feel for my own sanity there are some things I need to tell you, that maybe, just maybe, you are unaware of...

First off, fuck you man, FUCK YOU. You are such a doucher, seriously. I mean, with your semi long hair, and you gay ass Joel Madden shorts and hat. As soon as you got on the bus I had the urge to ninja kick you in the face, totally. I refrained cause well, prison is so totally not as sexy as it seems on TV. But I digress. You are loud and obnoxious and even your cell phone ringer is annoying. The fact that you felt it necessary to download a NEW awesome rap song (thanks for ruining rap for me by the way asshole) WHILE you sat on the bus and then proceeded to call some other doucher you call a friend and TELL him/her about said rap song and refer to the song as, and I quote.
"Da shit my niz..."

Yes you referred to someone else as a niz, wtf is THAT about?!?!?! Is that even a word? Is that even clever beyond the scope of a bunch of five year olds with speech impediments??? Dude even the guy next to you looked offended and I don't even think HE knew what the fuck you were talkin about?

Oh and FYI YOU..ARE...WHITE. Now I know this may be a touchy subject but screw it I'ma put it out there. It is not okay for YOU to call the black kid sittin next to you your n*gga ( I did the lil asterisk think cause it's just not cool for me to even type that word kay?) Yea dude on the bus, you sounded pretty much like a doucher would sound..

Oh and the fact that your mom, whose obviously the queen douch-ett cause she had YOU was on the phone with you for like ten minutes needing YOU to explain the difference between double A and Triple A batteries was like, the icing on the cake. THE SMALL ONES ARE TRIPLE A DICKBAG! So yea asshole, way to have your mom at home tryina fit some big ass batteries into a remote that CLEARLY needed the lil ones, #1 Son..

I hate you guy on the bus and I don't think it's possible for you my friend, to be any more of a doucher, maybe if you hung a bottle of vinegar and water around your neck? Oh no, that's right, you had a scarf on, my bad, sorry Kanye...

Anyway, now that we got that out of the way, I think we can move on and ride the bus together in peace...

Then again...

Sincerely-

Tall broad on the bus that gave you the stank eye for like six miles...

Sing Bitches!

2009-12-10T10:35:00.000-08:00

Did you ever like, hear a song on the radio that when it comes on you're all like "YES! Fuckin A Man!" okay well maybe you don't say fuckin a, cause I mean, what is the A and why can't you just say it? I mean you all ready said fuck so what could be worse than that, besides like, nevermind..

Anyway..

I was flipping through the radio the other day and the song "Lady in Red" by Chris Deburgh came on and I got stoked cause for some reason that song, lame as it is, always makes me think of good times I had as a kid. So I'm jammin out right? And my son is like, yeaaa, freeeeak (he didn't actually SAY freak but I could tell by the way he was side eyein me and shit that he was totally thinkin that) I sang that song from beginning to end and then found myself with a kinda sorta gay smile on my face and was like WOW, I am so lame! But, the point is, that song is one of those songs that when I hear it I want to sing it but like in the movie Office Space, where Michael Bolton turns down the rap when the black dude passes him, I tend to change the station when cheesy songs come on for fear that I may at ANY moment bust out in song and embaress the fuck outta myself (I am TOTALLY droppin the F bombs lately huh?!?!)

So here are a few songs that I love and refuse to admit that I love, well, to anyone except you bloggy buddies, ready?

Rumpshaker - Rex-N-Effect- Cause this song was like da shiz when I was in junior high and I knew then and know now ALL the lyrics and could pop them off at any given moment..

High Enough - Damn Yankees- I totally made out with a guy to this song when I was like 14, though "made out" is being nice cause we kissed and I realized his breath was kickin like Bruce Lee so I was all like, wanna tic tac? Mento? Toothbrush? I guess that killed the mood..

Days Go By - Dirty Vegas- LOVE this song, yep, I said it, LOVE it. Not sure why, maybe it's my hidden desire to be a freaky club kid who walks around with a glow stick in my mouth? Nah I hate those fuckers can't be that

Blame It On The Rain - Milli Vanilli- Seriously, I loved them when they came out and to be honest, I didn't give a fat rat's ass that they didn't really sing it, but then the one dude went and off'd himself so the song now just kinda gives me the sads

Dancing Queen - ABBA- Actually anything by ABBA, how messed up is that? When boyfriend and I started dating, he caught me singing Fernando and like kinda gave me this terrified look and slowly backed out of the room..

Love Hurts - Nazareth- Yea this song was like the anthem for when ever any of us girls were dumped. I myself was never dumped cause I'm kinda awesome like that but when I would fight with a boyfriend, this was the song that played while I cried and cried and asked my friends, why does he wanna hurt me like this? WHYYYY?

Informer- Snow- This song was the shit too cause everyone in my "hood" aka a town in Pennsylvania that nobody has EVER heard of, thought we were awesome cause this song actually got air play on the local radio stations. Nobody knew wtf this dude was sayin but we totally jammed cause we thought this was like, real reggae ya know?

All Out Of Love- Air Supply- Yea I get all tingly 'an stuff when I hear this song and I'm like, this should totally be my wedding song, *cough cough* huh?

You Fill Up My Senses (Or ANYTHING by John Denver) I FUCKIN LOVE JOHN DENVER!!! There I said it, loud and proud. John Denver is my Rocky Mountain High, truly. I was humming to my son the other night to get him to go to sleep and when I came out of the room, boyfriend was like, "Wtf were you just humming John Denver" and I was like, huh, wha? And he said you were, you're gay! And I was like, fuck you man, wait, how did you know it was John Denver and he was like, uhm, FIRE FIRE RUN RUN! So the point is that John Denver is freakin awesome and the world is a little bit worse for him not being here RIP John, RIP

Take Me On- Ah ha- This song makes me think of my childhood and was even featured on Family guy so that's a win win right there. The fact that the video was like totally advanced (for the time cough cough) is just another reason to love it. Okay honest? I like it cause the dudes voice gets all high and screechy in the song and I totally try and do it too! It's awesome

And finally, the one song that I hate myself for liking but LOVE and sing whether is be on the radio or not, sometimes it just pops into my head an stays there, snuggling my brain with all it's awesomeness..

We Built This City- Starship. Yep, I said it, well typed it, whatever. I was actually singing this song this morning and to be honest, I have NO clue what the words are so I was like, humming the song and then busting out with the chorus real loud cause that's the only part I actually know, ya know?

So there it folks, my list of completly, and utterly embarrising songs. Now don't try and say you don't have any of your own cause I'll call you a damn liar!

So yea, that's all for now, I'm gonna go shove my head in an over while I listen to some John Denver

Dueces

I though It Was Funny

2009-12-09T08:02:00.000-08:00

For the last couple of day's I've been kinda slackin on the whole "blog" thing and I make no apologies cause, fuck it, that's the kind of bitch I am...

See the way I figure it I don't wanna read some shit that isn't funny cause I mean, wtf for all that I can read the papers and stuff ya know? So I don't like to post stuff on my blog that isn't either completely entertaining or morally questionable (cause questionable morals are just hilarious, ask your mom...MOM joke WIN!)

Anyway, when I thought the above thought, it came to mind that maybe what I think is funny isn't really all that funny...

Then I was fuck all that, everything I think is funny is HILARIOUS and then I high fived myself followed by a quick booty grab cause that's how I roll ya know? So I decided to do a lil blog bout all the stuff I think is hilarious that probably isn't and if you read it and agree then you are totally fucked in the head and that's why I like you <3

I think it's hilarious when people fall, now I know I mentioned this in a previous blog but seriously, it's even funnier when it's OLD people falling. Why? I dunno, I mean I do the whole "Oh My God are you okay?" as I help them up but my inner voice (yep I have one) is pointing and laughing sayin stuff like "Ahahah blue hair down blue hair down red team GO Go Go!)

This one time, my nephew's friend kept fuckin with my brother's dog right? And the dog was like HUGE, a big hairy beast mixed with like woolly mammoth and saint Bernard. So this kid is messin with the dog and all the sudden, either cause he got turned on by the abuse or what (we all do though don't we?) The dog jumped on the kids back and humped like his life depended on it! So yea humpy mchumpinson managed some how to rip the fuckin pants right off the kid! He's screamin and shit like "help me help me!" and all I did was laugh and laugh and point and laugh. Good times.

When people have shit stuck in their teeth. This is hilarious cause I try and get creative in the ways I can tell them about it and make sure they are totally red in the face by the time I'm done. One way is to be like "Hey I see you had broccoli for lunch huh?" as I nod my head at their face and make this like, eh? eh? noise. If you really wanna be a dick you can be like "Ya know what's nasty, food stuck in your teeth" and then give the person the dead eye and slowly shake your head..

Oh and I like to wave to people I don't know on the street just to see their confusion. Cause not for nothing, no matter if you know the person or not, when someone on the street waves, you automatically wave back right? But if you don't know the person but you aren't POSITIVE that you don't know them, you do the whole awkward slow kid wave, all while narrowing your eyes and stuff.

Also I like to yell random names at people from a distance and see how they react. Some people don't pay any mind but some will turn around, look at me, then point at themselves like, "who me?" Then I follow that up with a wave.

This link, cause OMFG I seriously laughed my ass off for like a week and then called my sister to LOL with HER about it

When people, are like super religious. Now I <3 God and Jesus and Mary and all the apostles and stuff and I respect people being religious but the people that get all super down for God make me giggle. Like people that bless themselves every time they say something even remotely bad. Like "and I said you go to hell" and then they bless themselves and say things like God help me! I mean, seriously, so you told someone to go to hell. God is like in the middle of lots of real important shit, like makin sure I win the next Pioneer Woman's Cuisinart give away, he doesn't have time to worry about you tellin someone to go to hell *blesses self*

This one may piss people off but it's okay cause it's hilarious and that's what this blog is about. I laugh ALOT when people say in like reference to say a toddler or a nun, man what an asshole. I saw this one guy in NY tell his son who was like five to stop bein an asshole and I cracked up. I called my son a jerk once and then was like that's not nice, but I was laughing even as I thought it. I dunno why that amuses me but it does. Like the idea of tellin some 87 year old lady she's an asshole KILLS me, not literally, don't be an asshole...

So there are a few for now. I may be all kinda awesome and continue this and feel free to add your own cause sharing is caring ya know?

To Be Continued......(<----Dramatic huh?)

You are NOT the father

2009-12-03T05:48:00.001-08:00

So I was reading an article the other day online about this dude that was adopted and he was all like I wanna know who my REAL parents are right? So he goes to like this private dick (te te hehehehe Dick) to track down his mom and the private dick (te heheheheh dick) finds his mom and stuff. So he's all happy and shit cause now he knows he has a real mom (Ahhh sweet) and he wasn't like hatched or dropped by a stork. Anyway, so he asks his mom who his dad is and as is common place she's like..

*crickets, tumbleweed*

Right? So I guess she thinks back to her Slutty McSlut days and guess what? She tells this guy that his dad is Charles Manson

DAD WIN!

Right?? So dude is all OMG! Like literally he yelled out the letters OMG cause actually saying Oh My God is too complicated now a'days.

So anyhoo, yea dude's dad is Charles Manson and in the article he's like boo hoo my dad is a lunatic, boo hoo, he's crazy boo hoo he didn't love me all that whiney shit that adopted kids bitch about ya know? Now they include a picture of this guy and if I become at any point less lazy I will try and post it on the blizzog (don't hold your breath) but I LOL'd so hard when I saw the picture cause he's like, yea and people keep telling me how much I look like dad (Yes he referred to Chuck Manson as "dad") and it makes me feel weird because I don't want people to associate me with him (which is why he went ahead and did an interview on the subject, ya know, so nobody would know his "secret")

The funny part is in his picture, he has long hair and is wearin like some hell's angels outfit, like, really? All he needs is a swastika tattooed on his forehead and he's good to go. Yea and he also said he wrote to his "dad" and his "dad" wrote him back and asked him to call him in prison. Wonder how that convo would go..

Dude- "So, I'm your son"
Chuck- "Blah blah crazy blah do it!"
Dude- "Uh what?"
Chuck- "The rabbit in the hole pops up and says hello world!"
Dude- "Uhm, so, uh what?"
Chuck- "Flim flam bing bang everyone!"
Dude- "I'm just gonna go ahead and cut my hair and tell people my dad is Chuck Norris cool?"
Chuck- "Crazy is as crazy does and Crazy does it good!"
Dude- "Uhmmm, okay then, gotta run.."
Chuck-“We're not in Wonderland anymore Alice.”

Yea the last one is an actual quote from Chuck Manson the rest I made up but I believe it's a pretty safe bet it's all stuff he would say, cause I mean, he's crazy..

Well so basically the moral of the story is be glad your dad isn't Charles Manson, but be sad cause your dad isn't Chuck Norris which would totally fuckin rock the Casbah right?

FU Richard Simmons!

2009-12-02T11:02:00.000-08:00

Hey there mofo's, it's been a minute since I posted so here I sit, ready to entertain and delight one and all!

Kay that was creepy even for me, movin on..

So I decided I was gonna get in shape a few weeks ago. Let me tell you why (I know you are in desperate need of an explanation) Boyfriend has been doing a lot of walking as of late. Because we live in Florida (aka Craptown U.S.A) and it's like 9879221762 degrees pretty much 99.9 percent of the time, walking like he does will cause one to shed unwanted pounds, so needless to say, he's gotten kinda slim.

Now because of that, I have to hate him and dredge up all kinda weird personal issues I have with my OWN weight and cause him many MANY hours or uncomfortable moments of tears followed by, "wanna get some ice cream?" moments. It's what I do people, stay with me

So I decided after boyfriend basically bein like, do work! that if I wanted to get slimmer I would have to indeed, do work (I really REALLY like sayin that) BUT, since my body is like totally conditioned to NOT do work, I have issues, big ones..

I was totally workin it out the other day, holla, and I'm gettin into the groove of the walk right? So here I am, picture it (I so totally shoulda asked Becky over there at Steam Me Up Kid to draw me a picture, cause as far as I'm concerned, she's a fuckin artist!) Anyway, so picture me, six feet tall (yepper, my nickname in HS was big Bird, go figure) and I'm walkin tryina look sexy (cause that's how I do) and all the sudden, I feel this sharp pain in my hip, like something ripped or some shit, no bueno.

So I start doin the hop jog right? And I'm totally rockin the appropriate work out clothes, some baggy ass sweatpants and a tee shirt that says Jack Daniels on the front (Swweeeeeet) and my hair is pulled up in an I Love Genie Ponytail. So I'm hopping back and forth, one leg in the air, clutching my thigh waving my free hand like Rainman. So boyfriend and lil monkey (my son, not an actual monkey though that would totally fuckin rock!) are like wtf is wrong with you?

Now at this point, not only am I doing all of the above but on TOP of that I'm also doin the ugly face (reference previous post) with teeth suckin included and I'm like.

OoOooh my thigh my thigh! I think something ripped!!! right? and boyfriend who has continued to walk DESPITE my obviously life threatening injury, yells over his shoulder something asshole-ish and I'm like FU man FU!

So I try to walk it out and since I can't I kinda looked like a retarded stork on crack who broke a toe (Vision, funny right) So yea, my mother f'n leg still hurts and all because I wanna get slim. At least sittin in Dairy Queen eatin a peanut buster parfait isn't dangerous...

Unless you joke on a peanut ya know, but that's a chance I'm willin to take...

Happy Birfday....

2009-11-27T08:05:00.000-08:00

To me!!!

Yep that's right, I totally just gave myself a Happy Birthday (gives Ed/Travis the side eye cause I know he/they was/were gonna make some real dick bag comment about it)

Anyway...

So yep my birthday is on Saturday and I'm sayin Happy Birthday to myself, why? Cause mofo's seem to forget that the awesomeness that is ME was born on or abouts stupid mother f'n Thanksgiving. I mean granted it's not like being born on Christmas but for the last ten or so years, basically everyone forgets to wish me a Happy Birthday but they DO however always say, "Hey, Happy Turkey Day, or Hey bitch, Happy Mother F'n Thanksgiving!"

So this year I took it upon myself to be the first to wish ME a Happy Birthday...

And then I gave the turkey we had for dinner last night the stank eye, cause well, it did it to me first..

Fuckin turkey...

Happy Late Turkey Day Bloggy Buddies!

Memoir Monday~Free Is Good

2009-11-23T12:54:00.000-08:00

Hello blog friends and enemies *giving evil eye*

Today is Monday and as we all know that means it's time for Memoir Monday! Thanks to our good buddy Travis over there at I Like To Fish (Raisin the roof for Travis)

Anyway, my story is about a certain girl (me) and her friends (winners) going out for drinks and having the keys to said friends job, which happens to be a pizza place (WIN!)

So my friends and I, let's change their names for privacy purposes, Anna and Sarah (TOTALLY their real names! Yeaaa suck it!)

Before I made the big move to Florida, the state I lovingly refer to as "Crap Town U.S.A, I was what one would consider a "partier" or a "drunk" or a "lush"

But I digress..

So my friends and I hit our local tavern for some merriment and libations and had a very nice time at it. We were about two thirds of the way through a bottle of Bacardi when my bff covers her mouth, all drunkard style and says..

Bff~ Ahh shit!
Me~ Wha? Wha happend?
Bff~ I forgot to close out the drawer at work
Me~ *looks @ watch, squints, looks again* Well it's too late now, yea?
Bff~ Yea kinda, fuck it I'll stop over on the way to the club.
Me~ Sounds like a plan, Juan
Bff~ Did you just call me Juan?
Me~No, no I didn't, bar keep more shots!

So we finish consuming our libations (Totally feelin that word right now) and we jump in a cab and make our way to the pizza shop that my bff works at. If at this point your wondering why you haven't heard a peep from Sarah, it's because by this point in time, she was passed out in the backseat of the cab, basically along for the ride. Freakin lightweight.

So we get to the pizza shop and I'm three sheets to the wind and we go inside. Now, if any of you have ever imbibed (dude where am I gettin all these awesome words from????) Then you know there comes a point in your drunken stupor, somewhere between being buzzed and throwin up in purses (wink*) where you get super hongray and wanna eat anything you can get your hands on. So let's do the math shall we?

Me+Bacardi+keys to a pizza shop/the square route of two= I ate like a crazy woman!

I made myself a hoagie (or sub if that's what you prefer) had a slice or two or four of pizza, drank like three cups of fountain soda and then finished it off with a salad cause I mean, I was watching my figure ya know?

Well we thought we were slick that nobody would notice our late night meal..

We were wrong. Bff said the next day when she went to work her boss was all like, blah blah bein all drunk eatin my food, blah something, blah...

Good times...

Oh and PS-If you're wondering, and I know you are, yes, me and Bff left Sarah sleeping in the car in the parking lot of the club, cause we're good friends like that...
What? I covered her
With a towel
Well more like a sham
Well, okay not a sham a napkin but it's all kinda the same right?

Pangs! I Got Pangs!!!

2009-11-19T12:21:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone! *wave wave*

So today is Thursday, holla, and since it's Thursday, that means it's time for TMI Thursday, hosted by Lilu @ Live it, Love it

My TMI is totally not okay to discuss if your a female, at least that's what I think, but that just means I have all the MORE reason to discuss it..

Let's share!

So I have this major issue with poop. Yep, poop and all things poop related. I was like 27 years old before I could say the word fart without turning bright red and covering my face. So needless to say, one of the problems with having said poop phobia is that I cannot and WILL not go to the bathroom in public places. I will hold it in so long, clench the butt cheeks so tight, that by the time I do get to go, it's like my butt is fighting back, telling me fuck off ya know? I can spend like an hour in the bathroom and NOT go all for the sake of holding it in so much, for so many years.

Call it whatever you want, it's just the way I am...

Or was..

Let me clarify..

I have no Gall Bladder, haven't had one since my son was 2 weeks old. Now if any of you have any knowledge of Gall Bladders and what their function is, lemme explain. Basically your gall bladder takes all the fat you eat and breaks it down for you. Well my friends, having no gall bladder means there is no buffer, nothing to stop the fat from texting the poop and sayin "LET'S GO!" See where I'm goin with this?

I was in Walgreen's and I had just had lunch with the boyfriend. We were strolling around and I got the pangs (You know wtf pangs are don't act like you don't) So anyway, I tell the boyfriend my pang problem and he, the man that will basically shit anywhere you put him says...
"Then go to the bathroom?" like he's all "confused" and stuff why I am panicking now in the middle of Walgreen's. Well again, with no gall bladder there is no, "I'll wait thanks" there is just you and your no no hole having a clash of the Titans kinda battle and basically, the butt wins..

So off I go, running to the bathroom when I realize my 2 year old is running behind me! Well I snatch that kid up and sprint for the bathroom so fast I'm pretty sure I knocked some blue hair down sending her denture cream FLYIN...

Let's just say it wasn't pretty, there was sweating and some tears and even a few prayers thrown in for good measure. In my 30 years poopin that was the first time I had ever pooped in public and lemme just say...

It rocks to have a toddler cause well I totally blamed the smell on him

Though when he learns to talk and stuff I'm fucked in the pooper..

Which will totally send me back to the bathroom I'm sure

And the winner is....

2009-11-18T08:06:00.000-08:00

Not me apparently.

Yea so I read The Pioneer Woman like Ree Drummond herself pays me to do it (A job I would so totally do since I have like a completely non homosexual crush on her, hmm, wondering if that's appropriate to blog? Wait, pssht, fuck appropriate!)

Movin on...

But yes I read her blog daily and I love everything about it, from the yum-o *trademark that broad from Food TV* food to the stories about her kids to the pictures of her ranch (yea she lives on a bad ass ranch, like with horses and all that awesomeness..)

Now, I will say there is one thing that I dislike about her blog (sorry Mrs Drummond, don't mean to offend if you ever happen to stumble upon this blog) It's not really a very good reason to be a "hater" but it kinda brings out the worst in me. Let me explain

I, not unlike many of you I'm sure, have what we'll call an "issue" with losing. Basically I suck at it. I get crazy when I play anything even that requires a winner or a loser. Ya know, come to think of it, I don't even need to be playing something, in fact, I can make pretty much anything a competition. Say we're walkin together, me and you my blog friend, well one of you cause walkin with like 15 people is a gang and that's not the vibe I want for this analogy...

Okay say me and, hmm, Becky over at Steam Me Up Kid (Frickin fantastic blog) are walkin down the block together right? If I feel like she's walking faster than me, I start to speed up, cause well, I'm a winner right?

Sorry for the long ass example but you get my point. I don't like to lose. Which in turn makes me hate the "contests" that The Pioneer Woman does. She always gives away totally awesome shit that I would love to own but could never afford and I ALWAYS enter and guess what??

I NEVER WIN

Yea I never win the mofo's and that pisses me off. Sure I do the whole, smile nicely for the people that DID win but in my head I'm like fuck you and your awesome candy apple red Kitchen Aid Mixer and fuck your free copy of Pioneer Woman Cooks cookbook that I could so totally love and cherish and make a shrine for in my living room...

Okay a lil too far with that one

But the point is, I get all excited to win and then don't and that sucks.

So I say this, from now on, no more contests for me, NONE!

Until she has a chrome finish Kitchen Aid mixer up for grabs...

Yea that'll be my time to shine

Does this taste sour to you?

2009-11-16T10:48:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll it Memoir Monday! I so just sounded like Paula Dean just then didn't I? Hmm Paula Dean, I love her and her fatty fat fat ass butter cakes! Sorry where was I? Ohh yea, so my pal Travis over there at I Like To Fish, does a Memoir Monday so here goes mine. It just happened today so it's all fresh for ya, yeaaaaaa

So I was makin coffee this mornin at the J-O-B and I realized, SCORE, I totally have a little milk left over from last week. Now I can kinda drink coffee black as long as it has lots and lots 'o sugar in it but today, I was feelin the need for a big ol cup of delish cafe con leche (That's coffee with milk for those that don't speak the espanol) Now I went ahead and made the coffee, got the sugar ready, poured the milk in the cup and zapped it in the microwave for a few seconds to warm it up right?

Sounds innocent enough...

I get the milk out of the microwave and before I pour the coffee I realize the milk looks kinda, well, chunky. Now I'm no expert on dairy based products but I DO however know that chunky is not a word one would normally use to describe milk. So okay I stir it up a bit and smell it and well, it smells pretty much as one would expect it to smell...

Like ass, ass and feet and a lil twist of vomit all rolled into one with a nasty drippy, hairball thrown in for shits and giggles (Nice visual huh? You can thank me later)

'Scuse me I just almost threw up myself had to take a breather...

So okay, now, I'm a reasonably intelligent person (thanks to spell check and online dictionaries) and I should, by all accounts know that if milk looks and SMELLS spoiled, then really, there is no logical reason to TASTE said milk to test for spoilage (I think I just made that word up)

So what my awesome bloggy friends, did I do?

You got it, I tasted the mother f'n milk. And even as I tasted it I thought WTF am I doing?? But alas it was too late, I tasted the nasty vommy ass feet milk and there was no turning back.

So then, I stood there, with a major case of the dry heaves, wiping my tongue with a napkin, drooling all the while thinking...

Yea that's spoiled...

The moral my friends?

Tis better to be loved for who you are, wait, no, that's not it..

No use cryin over spilled milk, unless of course you spilled it after tasting it and realizing that it tastes like assy vom milk...

Yea that's it

Whoa

2009-11-16T07:14:00.001-08:00

I just realized it's been a LONG time since I posted anything here or even checked my blog for that matter (A long time for me could be like ten minutes, get with the program people!) Anyway, sorry to anyone that missed me (I know you all have) And I shall be back later with something totally awesome and witty and hilarious...

Well, maybe not witty...

Or even hilarious...

But it'll be awesome, oh yes, that I can promise you...

T.M Mother F'n I Thursday

2009-11-05T09:27:00.000-08:00

Lilu, over at Live It, Love It does this thing called TMI Thursday that, to date I haven't yet done, but I've decided now that I have (thanks to Travis) more than five friends (sings the Jefferson's Theme) I would take part in this awesome event cause well, Lilu is really funny and her blog picture is a lil girl dragging somethin dead around on a lease, I mean what more reason do you need?

I also decided to do this cause I like to share totally embarrassing shit about myself so that I have a reason to be really dramatic and yell "DON'T JUDGE ME!" Well I would yell it at the computer but the effect would still be the same...

So I did a blog list the other day about things I've done and on said list was the fact that I once threw up in my friend's purse, let's explore that story shall we?

Growin up in PA I was literally a hop away from NYC and took full advantage of this fact on many a druken weekend. This particular weekend, my friends and I had gone and actually made it to NY early enough in the day that we had a good solid 4 hours of power drinking under our belts by the time we got to the club.
Knowing this, you should also know that when I drink (Or used to drink, a two year old in the house so totally f's your drinkin time up) I for some reason, feel it imperative to CONTINUE to drink, even when I was not drunk but FACED, about, eh, two shots previously. So here I am, in a club in NYC, feeling like I'm the shit and swearing I look sessy (I didn't I saw the pictures, my friends are bitches for letting me leave the house that night) I digress...

So about an hour in, I suddenly feel warm all over, and not in a good way. I decided, that all I need is a splash of water and I'm good to go. Yea, not so much. I make it to the bathroom and as I'm swaying and bobbing like a hooker on a naval ship, I bump into a girl and land on my ass in FRONT of the bathroom (Classy eh?) So the bouncer, who sees this, helps my big ass off the floor and I say as sexy as I can, I need to throw up (Hmm yea he so totally wanted my number)

I spend about oh ten minutes in the toilet, hugging the bowl, telling God I won't ever drink again, when I hear my friend come looking for me. She laughs when she sees me (Because she's a friend) and she helps me out. Well needless to say, the bouncers made me exit through the back door (where there were quiet a few other drunktards waiting for cabs) and he leaves.

Now we get into a cab and I'm squished between four people and the cabbie see's my face as he pulls away and says SHE NO PUKE IN CAR! Yea he was a real dick about it, I mean, it's liquor puke, all liquid dick hole get over it.

So of course now that he SAYS it I look at my friend and say I'm gonna lose it and she has about a half a second to dump the contents of her purse into her lap and hand it to me.

Yea I lost my shit from the club, to the train station, waiting for the train, surprisingly I was good ON the train, and then went to bed with my face on the toilet.

Yea it was a good time had by all, well, everyone except my friend, she was out a purse but that'll teach her to sit next to a drunk ass in a cab ya know?

Awesome cause from an Awesome blogger

2009-11-05T05:17:00.001-08:00

I make it a point to follow awesome bloggers, it's kinda my thing. And Chelsea, over at Chelsea Talks Smack had an awesome idea for the one of the Few, The Proud, that she knows fighting over seas.

So check it out cause it's awesome and it's a freakin sweet idea =)

Things I've done, that I probably shouldn't have

2009-11-04T13:54:00.000-08:00

I once faked a Brooklyn accent, to a dude from Brooklyn and so TOTALLY got away with it.

I once shoved a whole ass load of toilet paper in a toilet in Burger King because the lady that was cleaning the bathroom gave me the stank eye (or so I thought, I was LOADED)

I once asked the guy at the drive through (of BK shocked? You shouldn't be) if I could sing to him (totally sober) He said yes and I did, totally sang to him, sang the song Steal My Sunshine by Len.

I asked a girl if she was really a man because she looked a man and it turned out that no, she wasn't a man, not at all..

I drove to Philly for cheesteaks at 9am instead of going to work and it was worth it

I licked a guy on the face in Atlantic City once on a dare, what did I win? A shot of Bacardi (cheap ass)

I made out with a guy in a club once and then bailed when the lights came on and I saw what he actually looked like

I was the nerdy fat chick when I was younger, braces and short hair, holla!

I went to summer school in 9th grade.

I wrote "fail" on an algebra final when I was in 9th grade (hence, the summer school thing)

I got thrown out of a club in NYC for being too drunk how classy is THAT shit??

I threw up in my friends purse once (see above)

I forgot to pay for batteries at Wal Mart once and went back the next day to pay for 'em. The chick at the counter was like, uhh, really?

I've had the biggest crush on Billy Idol since I was a kid.

I cried when boyfriend shouted out how much I weighed when I was pregnant, like cried cried..

I dated a guy named Fello, yes, Fello, name fail if there ever was one

I winked at a priest once, so not appropriate

Yea I've done a few things in my life that are totally not cool but damn it, I had fun doin 'em and that's what counts....

Right?

the big WHY list and some other nonsense

2009-11-04T08:39:00.001-08:00

My son has started with the whole "why" thing. Now I don't think he understands or even intends to use the word but the boyfriend said I'm always asking, why? so he assumes my son picked it up from me, he assumes I'm a nice person too but you know what they say about ass-uming right? Ass, I like that word. Moving on. So I decided to do this blog as a list (cause of the ocd I like lists ya know but I think I stated that in another blog) So this is my big 'ol why list.
PS~ The lady in the picture is Sue Johanson and she's old, and talks about sexy times, and she's old (I said that twice but it's really f'n funny)
Anywhooo

Why when you pass someone in your car and you wave it never turns out to be the person you thought it was?
Why does above mentioned person wave back at you anyway?
Why do men think farting is funny?
Why do people all huddle to one side in an elevator?
Why did I have to learn algebra?
Why do I do a security check on the bathroom before I poop?
Why is there always pizza on a buffet?
Why are Emo kids so fuckin annoying and lame?
Why do chocolate and peanut butter taste so dreamy together?
Why do I know all the words to the song Oops I did it again?
Why did I just admit that?
Why do I always wanna make a joke involving Asians around my Chinese uncle?
Why do people hi five so freakin much?
Why do people take credit for quotes they clearly heard in a movie?
Why does Kenny always have to die?
Why can't I do a jig that involves clapping instead of laughing at something funny?
Why do people put clothes on their dogs?
Why does the word Herpes make me LOL so much?
Why do Mormons ride bikes?
Why do big girls that used to be skinny still try and dress skinny?
Why does boyfriend always look at me like I'm on crack when I sing the theme song to barney all high pitched all while staring lovingly at him?
Why do old people like shuffle board?
Why do birds suddenly appear, every time, you are near?

Okay so lemme end this list cause not for nothing, when one starts to quote Karen Carpenter in a blog, it's time to lock it up...

PS.. To all my bloggy homies, Merry late Christmas and a so so New Year to you all <3

On the stroll....

2009-11-03T05:02:00.001-08:00

Yea so I totally ate too much candy. I feel like a real pimp-tress ya know? I dressed my son up in an outfit I felt sure would garner the most attention and sent him out on the stroll. To make it worse, I then ate pretty much every piece of candy his cute lil butt collected. I have a guilt induced sugar headache now, which I suppose serves me right.

Damn you mini Kit Kat's!
Damn you mini lil bags of m&m's (peanut and plain)
DAMN YOU MINI Hershey candy bar's, though I do love you so...

Though, I'm sure my guilt would be more believable if I wasn't eatin a mini Mr Goodbar

But I could be wrong

It'll happen I'm sure

2009-10-30T08:34:00.001-07:00

My son is super SUPER cute. He just turned two and he's starting to make sense when he talks and all that other cool shit lil people do (kids I mean, not midgets)
He also thinks, not unlike many MANY others, that I am pretty f'n cool. He tries to do what I do, say what I say and basically thinks his mom is the shizzz, well he does unless he learns to read today and sees I used the word shizz in a blog, not so cool after that but YAY for toddler illiteracy!

I have a point here. My point is that at some point my adorable little boy will stop thinking I'm cool. He'll eventually realize that anyone who laughs like a tard at people falling and bum fights (from a previous post) isn't really all that cool. And he'll also, at some point, tell me he hates me either verbally or by his expression. I know all of this is coming and yet, I dread it as if it will happen tomorrow.

I also know that at some point I'm gonna look at him and think, that is SOOOO your father's fault.

But, even though he will stop thinkin I'm awesome eventually, for now, I'm gonna enjoy his cute lil butt. And think of ways of making him misreable when he's 16..

How uncool is it to ask to tag along on his first date? Just curious.

I'm A Guest Blogger!

2009-10-30T07:19:00.000-07:00

So Travis over at I like To fish, did this cool thing where he had people offer to be a guest blogger on his site. Now since Travis has WAY more followers then I do, and also because I'm a total attention whore, I went for it. And guess what! I got it (God I crave attention, I should look into that) So anyway, check me out
cause you get to read something I wrote that's kinda funny and you'll most likely end up following Travis, so it's a win win

PS: Be nice, I'm sensitive *coughliecough*

I <3 my Sister but....

2009-10-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

My sister is 14 months older than I am.

I love her dearly.

This is a picture of me....*wave wave* a few years ago that she took of me...

And posted...

On Facebook...

Yes I <3 my sister, now excuse me while I drive to Michigan and Ninja kick her in the eye...

Happy Friday and a blessed weekend blogger <3

Ahhh der?

2009-10-21T12:11:00.001-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that I am a total tard in the whole, makin my blog look freakin awesome, sense.

I'm in the process of tryina make my blog cooler and since I know all my many followers were worried that I haven't posted in a minute, rest easy, I'm here, shhh *insert uncomfortable back rub here*

Yea that even kinda creeped me out..

Memoir Monday

2009-10-19T07:14:00.000-07:00

Okay so this awesome blogger over at an even awesomer (made that up) blog called "I like to fish" does this thing called Memoir Monday that I think is kinda awesome so I have decided in honor of this awesomeness(didn't make this up that I know of but I'm pretty sure I spelled it wrong)

So this memoir is about me at the ripe old age of 24 (wish I could say it was at like 16 cause then I wouldn't have to own how very VERY stupid it was)

My friend and I, Shana, who keep in mind, is now a Lawyer (this shall make sense to come I promise) Anyway, one night, we decided that our lil town in Pa (shout out to Wilkes-Barre!) was just not doin it for us on the fun scale. So as we sat outside the local am/pm, we decided what was a better idea then fillin up the tank and heading two hours to NYC for the night! Forget the fact that we are both female, forget the fact that it was 11pm at night, we were cool and we figured nothing said I'm cool better then hangin out in NYC on a Saturday night. So we filled that tank and headed out on the highway.
Now, let me give you a lil insite on me and Shana (Shana and I? Damn it I never get that right) Anyway, so yea, I'm six feet tall, so white I'm clear and basically look like I fell off the "I'm from a small town, ROB ME!" truck. Shana, though she was born and raised bout six blocks from me, fancy's herself a Long Island native that came from money (All classy and shit ya know?)
Now the whole way there, we are happy and bouncy and singing along to the music thinking, in part to the fact that we were listening to Biggie Smalls, that we are super awesome and kinda gangsta.
So all is well till we hit the GW (that's the George Washington Bridge for all you not awesome people out there) First we realize that there is a toll. Whoever thought it was a good idea to put a toll at a BRIDGE, coming into NYC, should be shot, 2x's, in the retina. We pay the toll (shakes angry fist) and we zip along, ignoring all speed limits cause well this is NY after all and New Yorkers don't abide by no stinkin speed limits.
Now, the only other times I had travelled to NY was either with someone from NY or by bus, so I had never actually watched how we got there or where we got off so as we zoom through, Shana, my sweet lawyer friend says..
"So where do I get off?" a simple question but my face of course told her that I had no clue nor had I thought far enough ahead to even contemplate that this would be a problem.
So rather then sounding like a small town girl that just fell off of the "rob me" truck, I say, there! And point.
I actually did know where I was, which was shocking and anyone who has ever tried to give me directions knows why. I realize though that instead of getting us off in a nice upscale neighborhood, or even in midtown where there are other people around, no, I manage to get us somehow situated right in the middle of Harlem (Winner!)
So instead of us getting the hell outta there and going back to PA, we decide fuck it! And we park, cause now we're gonna walk.
(Now you know why I wish I could say I was young and dumb?)
We find a bar (cause nothing says I belong then getting shit faced in the middle of Harlem right?)
Shana of course starts talking to a tall, very well dressed guy who seemed really nice and showed serious interest in my girl Shana (tip off #1)
I of course, being me, land the guy that swears he's a Ralph Lauren model and who tells me I should model myself (gag) And of course ME being ME, I come outta my face after a few shots of Bacardi that he must be a hand model hehe, I still laugh behind that one.
Anyway, Shana's suitor tells her she should let him take her to dinner in his Mercedes (tip off #2)
Then proceeds to flash a nice knot of cash (tip off #3)
Now all giggly like she just met her future husband my sweet friend excuses herself to the rest room and her suitor slithers (and he seriously did, it was weird) up to me and smiles. (tip off #4)
He says I have a beautiful face, that I look so fresh and clean (Yes, he did, swear to everything I love, fresh and clean wtf?) And I'm like, uhm, okay, thanks?
And he then says, you wanna make a few thousand a night? (RED ALERT! RED ALERT RED TEAM GO!)
Excuse me? I say, trying to remember the manners my mom taught me.
Yea cause with a body like that, tall and pretty? I could get like 6, 7 hundred an hour for you!
Jesus hold my hand.

Yep, he was a pimp, a true to life pimp. Minus the Huggy Bear get up of course. So basically as soon as Shana comes back I snatch her hand, tell them I have to tell her something and we high tail it outta there.

Yes, I wish I was younger because I now look back on this fond memory and think "Huh, that was really f'n dumb"

And then I think, man I hope I have all boys..

Redneck ya'll

2009-10-13T12:53:00.000-07:00

Yea so the other day I was talkin to the boyfriend and we got on the topic of the term "redneck" (see how I put that in quotes?) So the convo goes something like this (I've shortened boyfriend to LL for Latin Lover, super gay but I'm lazy and spelling out boyfriend is just too much work....

Me: Dude that guy is a total redneck. (we were watching cops)
LL: A what?
Me: A redneck, ya know like TPT?
LL: Tpt? Wtf is TPT?
Me: *exasperated* Tpt babe, Trailer Park Trash?
LL: Okay why do white people make up words?
Me: First off I did not make up that word, second, like Puerto Ricans don't make up words? Pssht I think half of what you say to each other is made up..
LL: No it's not and what the hell kinda word is redneck? That doesn't make any sense.

Now at this point I realize that I need to come outta my ass with like a seriously good reason why the term Redneck was coined cause if I don't well I'm gonna get shit for it for like a month. Commence bullshit!

Me: Yes it does, because the word means like backwoods type people who live all out in the open and work in fields all day and cause they work in the fields all day, they get hot and when they get hot they take off their shirt, and then, well, their neck gets red, ya know, from the sun?

Okay so right about there is where boyfriend looks at me like I'm hittin on the good stuff and clears his throat and I can clearly see some smart ass comment coming, but as I'm Irish and hard headed, I have to win this, I just HAVE to.

LL: You just made that whole thing up didn't you?
Me: No, it's fact, I'll google that shit.
LL: White people are weird.
Me: Shut yer hole

Ten minutes later

LL: So what does a trailer park have to do with being a redneck?
Me: SHUT YER HOLE!

Yep, I love him

RIP Cavalier

2009-10-08T11:36:00.001-07:00

Okay so it's been like, uh, a really long time since I posted. Sorry to all 8 of the people that follow my blog, I'm a bitch, noted. Anywhats, so my car is dead. D-E-A-D. I've had the car for like 6 years and I really beat the balls off of it (i'm strangely proud of that, not sure why) So the boyfriend and I decided we needed to budget our monies and get a new one (Hehe I used the word monies, awesome)
Uhm and when I say discuss a budget I mean, fight for like twenty minutes about how broke ass we are, then have a cup of coffee and watch Law & Order SVU (cause Chris Meloni always makes the sads go away)
But yea so we discussed and we actually figured out a pretty solid amount that we could spend and budget monthly so even as I type this I'm online looking at cars (multitasker award? I winz it)
The car I have now is a 2001 Chevy Cavalier. This lil car has done right by me considering it now has 180,000 miles on it (half of which went without an oil change, yea yea yea, heard it all ready all you motor heads, sheesh, something like every 3000 miles blah blah blah)

This is the Cavalier (not mine but a very close idea, mine has dents and schmuck and lots of other stuff on it)

She was a good car but her days are numbered....
This is the car I want

Pretty right? Yeaaa and this...

This is what I can afford.

But it runs and it has A/C and 4 doors so my big ass doesn't have to squat everytime I need to get my son in and out of the back seat so, to me, it's basically the same...

kinda
sorta
not really even neighbors but whatever

And I wonder why...

2009-09-22T13:40:00.000-07:00

This, my friends was lunch...

And this, was the dessert that I had with lunch (because it is perfectly acceptable to have dessert with lunch, fucker...)

And I wonder why my ass is huge, then, I look at the pictures again, and I stop wondering and start drooling and then I'm like "hey who wants to go halves on some pizza?!?"

Things that make LOL lots

2009-09-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

It's Friday so basically I'm bein a lazy ass and I started thinkin of all the things that really make me LOL (you know what that means, stop actin like you aren't down with the LINGO) Anywho, here's a lil list, feel free to add your own cause like they say, sharing is caring (who "they" are I haven't a clue but it was said at some point)

Sean Connery on Celebrity Jeapordy, really, do I have to explain why?

The baby that sings Mister Mr in the e trade commercial, I laugh so hard at this I actually snorted a few times, what? like you never snorted? Fibs

The phrase "bum fights" now I don't condone violence, unless it's between two sexy oiled up men and I have my sno caps and pepsi on hand to watch, but dude, while not politically correct, cracks me up

When people fall, because well, it's just funny (It's even funnier when they act like they didn't and kinda jog it off, you fell mofo, own it!)

Pasty and Eddie, English comedies rule cause well, they say and do shit on English tv that they could never do in the US and that's just awesome

This one totally reserves my place in the "white trash hall of fame" but I don't care. When a lil kid swears it makes me LOL, really and truly.

Are ya FRIKKIN kidding me?

2009-09-17T07:32:00.000-07:00

Why do people drive soooo slow in the morning? I know, without a doubt that I cannot be the ONLY person in this state that runs a bit late in the morning, so why is it that people drive so.damn.SLOW?

Add this to my list of things that rub me raw (and not in a good way)

and you?

What's something that rubs you the wrong way? Feel free to swear, it's fun!

Top Ten List of Things I Hate

2009-09-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

1~ People who use words in the wrong context and then do so repeatedly through out a conversation, example "I seen him at the mall the other day" No moron, it's "I SAW him at the mall" Come closer so I can slap you with the "I suck" stick

2~ Really skinny bitches that say things like "I'm so fat, or I feel huge today" Listen jackass, I know about ten REAL big bitches that would love just ten minutes alone with you so shut it.

3~ When good things happen to people that don't deserve it, example, a 21 year old girl that wins the powerball even though her father has millions in oil money. Seriously??!?! So no, it can't be the single mom that spends two bucks praying that it hits for her so she can sleep at night, nahhhh can't be HER that wins..

4~ Kids from the suburbs that swear they are "gangsta" Now, I'm not even sure what the hell it means to act gangsta cause last time I checked, REAL gangster's like Lucky Luciano and John Dillanger didn't walk around throwing up signs but I mean I could be wrong.

5~ Racist assholes. Now I'm gonna say this because damn it this is America and apparently we can say whatever we want. If you are gonna be racist at least be GOOD at it. If you have one tooth, live in filth and can't complete a whole sentance without saying errrr in the middle, maybe YOU aren't the one to represent a whole race, seriously.

6~ People who pull out in front of you all fast and stuff in the car, like there is a line ten miles long behind you and they HAVE to get in FRONT of you or they'll die, only to dart out in front of you and then proceed to do negative four miles an hour. YOU are the reason I have road rage.

7~ People that laugh REALLY loud for no reason. If I tell you a joke and even I just chuckle, you cracking up and slapping your leg just makes you look "special"

8~ When people defend someone famous. They don't know you, they don't give a rat's ass about you and they prolly wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire so why are we arguing about whether or not Brittny Spears is a shitty mom?

9~Maddona, 'nuff said

*insert drum roll here*

10~ PeOPPLE TthAT TYpe LIKee DiS. Not okay, ever,

The soundtrack of my Life sorta kinda

2009-09-15T09:44:00.001-07:00

Okay so the other day I was chatting with my friend Anna. Background on my good pal Anna, we have known each other for eons (I have no idea how long an eon is exactly but it sounds frikkin Looooooong) Anyway, so we were chatting randomly about shit that happened back in the day. Now back in the day for me is like late 90's early 2000's (in retrospect not that long ago but long enough musically. Thus my point (there is one I promise) So we start talking about fun times we had, ie, going to the Bronx at 1am just cause we had a car and it "seemed" like a good idea. Or the time that we rented a room at the Econo Lodge and invited massive amounts of people, half of which we didn't even know to come hang out (Good times, trust me)

Now within this conversation, we started talking about the music, why I'm not sure. She asked me if I remembered a song and I said oh course, then I asked her if she remembered another song and so on. And I came to realize (After reading another blogger, Travis, talking about music and the shat it has become as of late He referenced a song "Birthday Sex" and basically said what I thought too, it sucks. The lyrics make NO sense, the beat is less sexy then I can only assume was intended and the fact that it's a 21 year old guy singing it makes me LOL hard and long and then LOL some more just for good measure.

I mean, music back in the day (remember, late 90's, early 2000's) was just, good. I mean it wasn't say Billy Idol, 80's music good but for fucks sakes, at least our songs were about more then, sexin some broad up for her birfday. Hell at least we had awesome sex songs like the wonderful I Wanna Sex You Up. Seriously anyone who can say at one point in their life they didn't use that phrase is a damn liar and I don't care what you say, liar!

It was at this point I started to realize that all the memories I have can be at any time triggered simply by hearing a certain song. Example, anytime I hear the song Higher Love by Steve Winwood, I think of being a kid, same goes with John Denver (Don't hate, John Denver was the frikkin man, who else sang about gettin high so nicely hmm?) I think of being a little chubby braced faced kid who loved nothing more than running through my "hood" playing Bigfoot in the dark with the seven hundred other kids that lived in my neighborhood.

Other music, like anything by the Fugees perhaps, or Busta Rhymes before he cut the dreads, make me think of being a sneaky ass teenager running wild (or as wild as I was able to run with a dad that was a cop) Sneaking outta the house, calling boys who were then and are soooo now so not good choices for procreation and basically just carrying on like life was good and simple and nothing could touch me, 'specially the real world.

I dunno, I hear music these days and sometimes as I change the channel on the radio, I find that I'm making the angry face as I do so, like the music itself has offended me so greatly that my face spasms in response. I mean sure, there are still a few greats out there (not Billy Idol great of course, cause well, it's Billy Idol) But there are some bands or artists that make at some point make their way into the soundtrack that is my life, but one thing I can guarantee you, anyone who sings about Sexin on your birthday or LOL'ing with a smiley face will not be invited....

Just a ramble

K

PS anyone who likes to laugh NEEDS to check out this blogger, the one I mentioned in my post, he's HILARIOUS

http://fisherofstories.blogspot.com/

Yay for Friday!

2009-09-04T06:40:00.000-07:00

It's Friday, yes Friday, never a more beautiful word was ever uttered, Friday, say it with me...

Frrrriiiidaaaaayyyy (no real reason to drag it out like I did, it's just good times)

Anywhats, another week gone (thank God cause it was a rough one) Another week older, wiser, kinda.

Even better than sayin Friday? Three day weekend, YAY! Yeppers a three day weekend, sweeeeet! (again no reason, just fun)

I shall be working tonight and tomorrow for my sister's store, they are doing an event and she asked for the help and since I'm such an awesome person, I agreed (getting paid is kinda the reason but the nice person part much more so) So if you're in the Orlando area and you read this, come out to Waterford Lakes and have some fun!

There might be funnel cake and that right there is more then enough reason to go just about anywhere =)

My lil unit er uhm family?

2009-09-03T12:10:00.001-07:00

I figured I would introduce my family a bit in this post for any of you wonderful people out there in blog land that happen upon my page. I'm trying to put more of myself into the blog, get personal if you will, let's see how that goes shall we?

This....

is my other half (I like saying that it makes me feel all Jerry maguire-ish ya know?) Jimmy aka, my dark haired Latin lover (I added an aka because I'm a dork, the Latin lover part is true though) He is despite the tattoos and occasional mean mugs, one of the sweetest, most gentle men I have ever known. He has no fear this one and will talk to anyone, I call him the mayor. People are naturally drawn to him and that I find, adds to his appeal. From lil kids to old Ladies, people of all ages like this man and I feel blessed daily (except those days I wanna throat punch him) that he chose to have me as HIS other half =)

Moving on the glue that holds my little family together, ready? This is by far the COOLEST person in the family, gimme a minute you'll see why

Introducing!

That's right, my baby boy, the wind beneath my wings, the peanut butter to my jelly, the mac to my cheese, the reason I breath and plow through each and every day, my little monkey butt!
Yep I call him my monkey butt, or booty for short if I'm feelin real lazy. I know when he's a teenager he'll appreciate my special nickname for him, just hope he never asks where it came from cause to be honest, I have no clue. Then again, by the time he's a teen, he'll know his mom is a complete and total weirdo so he probably won't bother asking =) A mother can hope right?

Anyway, that's my family, handsome fellas aren't they? I'll be back later with more, hell I might even get some pictures of my great-great-great-great-great something or other, ya never know

Ta for now

K

2009-08-26T08:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I walk down the street, especially at night, when I pass houses, I peek in. Not in a stalker weird peeping tom kinda way mind you. Just a quick glance if the window or door happens to be open (if you are one of the folks that I peep on sorry, I'm nosy) I digress. Anyway, sometimes when I do that, as I keep walking, I wonder what kind of life the people that live in the house have. Like are they happy? Are they contet? Are they where they wanna be? I dunno, it's weird. I wonder if their life is better then mine? Worse? Do they stress money like I do? Do they worry that if the freakin car breaks down, that they will be able to fix it?

I lost both my parents a few days after my 20th birthday, they passed two days apart and I remember at the time, feeling as bad as I did, would ever be happy again. I would hear people laugh at something and I wondered if I would ever be able to laugh again and truly feel the laugh ya know? Of course, 11 years later, mother to a beautiful, perfect, AMAZING, little boy, I know that yea no matter how bad things are, or seem, eventually we laugh, love, dance, sing, feel good. No matter how desperate things seem, at some point, it will get better. And I've taken to saying a few simple words at the end of each and every day, before I close my eyes to sleep. Though not a devout Catholic, I still hold fast to my faith. I say, every night. Thank you God for today being a good day. Because when happen to get a glimpse into someones window or door, I hope, for them, that they are happy and that the day they just had, was indeed a good one.

Just a ramble <3>

Blah blah and some more blah

2009-08-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

I feel old. Well rather I feel like I'm acting kinda old. Confused yet? Yea welcome to my world. Okay so this is what I mean when I say that. Did you ever hear people say shit like, oh when I was that age and you're all like, uhm yea, old? Yea so the other day I was browsing around on my myspace page (I know I should be ashamed of myself, that and Facebook, but whatever) So anyway, I'm looking at pages of some younger family members, friends, stuff like that (the girls I mean) and it occured to me that as a teenager I was either REALLY slick or just really respectful of my parents.

Again, confused? My point is here somewhere I promise

I say this because I was browing around some of the pictures some of my younger relatives have on their pages and I can't like I was SHOCKED (Yep, the same chick that used to drive to NYC at 3am for shits and giggles was shocked) SHOCKED! at the way some of these chicks are behaving at least in their pictures. Half of them have half naked pictures up, some of them are drinking (And I don't mean Kool Aid, though it might be one part kool aid one part Vodka cause that's how they "gets down" now ya know?) Anyway, so I'm like WTF? When I was kid, if you were gonna do dirt, you did it quietly or at least out of range of adults. You seriously didn't take pictures of all the wrongs you were doing and then make it a point to post them to a site on the internet. I mean C'MON people! What is the fun of being a dumb teenager if nobody cares? What's the fun in NOT having to sneak around? And as for the parents??? WHY ARE YOU NOT WATCHING WHAT YOU'RE KIDS POST ONLINE? Why are you not caring if you 16 year old leaves the house dressed like she's ready to walk the strip? I mean WOW. I'm not preaching I'm really not, I guess I'm just kinda venting, if that's even the right word. But seriously, am I the only one that thinks this way?

Or am I just old?

Probably

Yeaaa

2009-08-13T08:31:00.000-07:00

Okay so I decided at some point to write a blog (Okay I read Pioneer Woman's blog and decided I wanna be just like her soooo) Anyway, I figured out as I set about this quest that my life, for all it's up's and down's is not even a tenth as interesting as I thought it was. I'm having a major case of writers block (Odd since I'm writing as you read huh?) What I mean is, I'm not sure what I should write, or better yet what I shouldnt write. Though at this stage doesn't seem like too many people are reading my blog, okay, nobody besides me to be specific, I guess I should just write whatever yea? But then in the back of my head I figure with my luck I'll start writing all kinda wacky stuff about me and my life and then someone will happen upon my blog and be like, wow, crazy lady! Sorry had to take a break and text the boyfriend, he asked me if the lady (sherri lewis) from Lambchops Play along (my son LOVES that show) is a midgit. I don't think she is, is she? I said no so here's hopin I'm right. I did however tell him she was dead, because, she is isn't she? Shit, now I have to google it.

Ta ta for now

K

My life or something like it

2009-08-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

Okay so as of late I've been doing a lot of browsing on the net, blogs specifically and I've come across, by chance, some really awesome ones. Basically what happens is that I start reading one and through that one I'm linked to several others that just catch my attention. I know you're beggin for examples so I shall oblige cause that's just the kinda broad I am. Anywho, I happened upon an AWESOME blog aimed for all of us in the world that like to stare at and read about delish food either in person or via the net. The site is by an awesome chick called Bakerella. She's a cutie pattootie blond lady and her pictures and cake pops seriously are almost enough to make me lick the screen, well, again but that's a secret hehe. She's smart and witty and her blog on top of making me ravenous cracks me up too, you should heck her out. Well through HER blog I was tuned into ANOTHER amazing blog called The Pioneer Woman. Lemme just say, this blog makes me wish I lived on a farm, had a bad ass house and a handsome silver fox of a husband (though my own dark haired hubby is in a league of his own, without doubt <3) I have spent the last ohhh I dunno say four days totally blowing off all my actual work to read her blog (I mean c'mon, she started in 06 and I just now found it, I have lots of catching up to do ju know?) Her blog is by far my favorite because her food looks kick ass, her family is abso-freakin-lutley beautiful and, she's bout as weird and random as I am, and I truly love that *Insert happy tear here X)
Then through HER AWESOME blog, I found This other site written by a guy, a GUY yepper =) Not just any guy either, he is a pastor, tattooed, family man and can cook. What?!?!?! His site is a total dedication to God, food and his family and I mean c'mon how can you NOT love that??
On a serious note though I will say this, these three blog have so far made me want to try and do a few new things in my own life and I think that's kinda cool. I will start small (as I don't think getting a sleeve tat or baking enough nummie cake pops to feed a small army) are in my future (aka I have a two year old LOL) But for anyone out there that may be reading this, I'll chronicle my lil endeavors and see where it takes me =) Also I'm including the links to these three blogs so you too can enjoy, cause like Pioneer Woman says, It's the right thing to do =)

Pioneer Woman~ www.thepioneerwoman.com
Pastor Ryan~ www.thisisreverb.com
Bakerella~ http://bakerella.blogspot.com/

Food blogs

2009-08-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

So yea I haven't posted in a minute and I'm not sure if anyone cares or has even read this blog but whatever LOL. So basically I'm kinda broke right now and being broke always leads me to crave things I can't buy (ironic huh?) Anywho, while some people crave clothes, cars, handbags and the such, when I'm broke I always crave food, yep, specifically sweets. Though I don't bake myself, I have a HUGE respect for those that do. So being the weirdo that I am, I have been frequenting dessert blogs (which is how I came to realize that I myself, had a long forgotten blog) So I decided to blog a bit and say welcome back to myself.

Frickin Car

2008-12-16T11:24:00.000-08:00

Okay so about a month and a half ago, the brakes on my car went, went where I don't know but man did they cut out pretty fast. Anyway, comedy aside, it was pretty scary to drive it, especially when I had the baby in the car ya know. The brakes made this horrible GRINDing sound everytime I braked and yes I knew what it was but was low enough on funds to basically only drive the son of a bitch when I was alone. So I finally get the brakes done, of course, the mechanic gave me a lecture on how bad I had let the brakes get before I finally brought it in which I of course responded well if I made as much an hour as YOU do I wouldn't have had to let 'em get that bad.
Blech, moving on. So all is well and I am a happy little camper because now my car is running with awesome brakes right? So yea, my happy world bubble is popped when the hubby comes home and says, you should HEAR the noise the car is making. Never a good sign. So he turns it on and my stomach hits my knees. I knew the sound and knew it was nothing good. The Timing Chain, Chain, not belt because I have never been lucky enough to buy a car with a belt, always a chain. Stupid American cars. So, again, funds are tight what with the average rent in FL being a gizzilion (yea I said gazillion) dollars a month and having to do crazy things like buy diapers. This time however we didn't have to wait much, well, that's phrased wrong, the CAR didn't want to wait and let my husband stranded, luckily only a block or so from our mechanic. He and his friend push the damn thing to the mechanic, pissing off half of Orlando in the process (For as slow as people here drive, sheesh they get angry when they get held up, go figure)
Fast forward, the car gets fixed, to the tune of 400.00, add to that the 500.00 I all ready spent on the brakes and I basically paid for my mechanics, something or other. That was last Friday when I picked up the car. Again happy happy. That is until I pull out of my job parking lot and SNAP, the belt that connects all kinds of important stuff (I would assume since the car is dead, again) Yep, the mother f'n car is back at the mechanic, *smfh* WTF?!?!?! Sorry had to vent this story one more time just so I could be sure it's really happening and not a bad dream.
pinch pinch* Yep, son of a bitch!

2008-12-11T06:59:00.000-08:00

Yea so I didn't go to class last night, cause well, I didn't really feel like it. On top of that the baby has a fever, not sure if it's new teeth coming in or what but this whole being sick thing is scary. He's a trooper though, he's super clingy but not crabby which is fine by me. Argh (sorry sounded like a pirate) I hate when he's sick. Stupid Florida and it's weird weather changes. 35 degrees in the am and then 80 in the pm, wtf?
Anyway, that's all for now

A New Day

2008-12-10T06:04:00.000-08:00

Okay so it's Wed the 10th and there is only 15 days till Christmas. Ask me how much shopping I have gottend one, g'head ask, NONE. That's right and I plan on waiting until the very last minute so that I can feel the full effect of waiting till the very last minute, complete with headache and fury! Yay!
That is all lol

K

Nosey ass

2008-12-09T13:47:00.001-08:00

Okay so if I am doing this blog thing right hopefully I am following some blogs. If you came to my page cause your one of the people I'm following please do not be scared lol, I'm nosy and if I find a blog interesting I'll follow. Ty and bye bye for now =)

The P's and Q's Of Me

2008-12-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

Heller all,

First off let me start off by saying that in no way did I intend to start writing a blog, seriously. But I've had a lot of thoughts tumbling around in my noggin as of late and well to be honest, a one year old is a lot less convo oriented then one would think (I'm not one duh, my son is sheesh) I turned 31 the end of November and well, it's really no different than turning 30, or 29, or 21 for that matter, at least to me

Okay so you now know I have a one year old son and that I'm 31, whew that took a lot out of me. *Breathing Deep* What else, okay well I live in Florida, Orlando to be a lil more specific. I moved here from a little town in Pennsylvania called Wilkes-Barre about four years ago. Can't say it was my BEST choice ever but hey, I got my son out of it so I can't complain, plus, I live near Mickey! Woo hoo!

More? Errr, wow nothing like doing an introduction to really make you evaluate how uncool you are. Here let me do it in random fact list format, my super OCD brain does SOOOOO much better with lists...

1~ I am like 99.99999 percent Irish with a dash of Welsh in there to add some color.

2~ My son is bi-racial, his dad is Puerto Rican and lemme tell you, Irish/Rican mix=Purdy Babies =)

3~ I'm six feet tall, swear to God. I don't know, one minute I was normal height and then BAM! Six feet tall.

4~ One of my best friends is ALMOST six feet tall lol, she swears that one tenth of an inch makes her less of a giant (We all know it does not) People used to call us the twin towers.

5~ I used to be able to drink like a champ, Bacardi straight, chilled, then I had my son and suddenly I am THAT chick at the bar that has three shots and is half on the floor, alas I tend to steer clear of the bar scene now lol.

6~ I smoke, cigarettes I mean, yes it's a dirty filthy disgusting habit and I did quit for nine months and started back up again and could kick my OWN ass for it but, well, it is what it is

7~ I like to read, travel, write, talk to myself and watch lots and lots of tv and I have at one point in my life I'm sure I have done all of these things at once.

8~ One of my favorite lines of all time is "Gay guys don't make bad parents, quite the opposite, gay guys make excellent parents because unlike straight people gay people don't have kids by accident, only by power of attorney. It's from a book called Magical Thinking by Augusten Burroughs. He is one of the all time greatest writers I have EVER come across by accident so do yourself a favor and read him, you'll be glad you did...

9~ I smell everything I plan on eating, even things I have eaten before. Yes it's weird and sometimes even a lil disgusting (You know like smelling something @ a buffet line and then deciding NOT to take it hehehe, yea fuck you too that's what you get for eating at a buffet fatazz..

10~ I watch the food channel like it's my job yet, I don't cook, hmmm..

11~ I sing Salsa music at the top of my lungs when I'm alone in the car but I don't understand most of what I'm singing and I'm okay with that.

12~ My sister and I are only 14 months apart, we practically shared a womb, get it, hehehe, womb, room, eh never mind

13~ Technically I have 2 older sisters and a brother, but I needed a segway to the whole room, womb joke, te, tehehe..

14~ Okay well I actually have 5 older sisters and a brother but I don't talk to two of my sisters and I have a sister I never met....Jerry! Jerry!Jerry!Jerry right??

15~ I have a thing for felons, there, I said it! Since I can remember anything involving men and prison has always had a very strange effect on me. I watch the show lockup like it's porn seriously. My favorite show of all time was OZ on HBO. Whoever is reading this, before you say shit, understand I am not saying this is something I'm bragging on, it's simply fact, my brain is weird what can I tell you?

16~ My father was a cop, read above, 'nuff said...

17~ My parents passed away 2 days apart 9 and 11 days respectively after my 20th birthday. It sucks and there isn't a day that I don't think of them and wish they were here, not one single day. So hug your mom and dad you lucky fucks..

18~ I love boxing because my dad loved boxing, end of story lol

19~ I have only ever dated one white guy in my whole life, weird huh, considering I was raised in a town that had a Hispanic population of 4, literally. (By the by I think I probably dated those 4 at some point living in PA LMAO)

20~ I am a firm believer that having more than 20 facts about yourself on a list is much too conceited.

21~ I think Seaworld is the best place, ever!

I kid I kid, 20 is enough. Anyway, thanks for stopping by and I'm sure I'll be back, feel free to comment but be kind, I cry easily

Kat <~~~~~~~that's me ya know =)